Thursday, December 15, 2011

Dracula Bites

Oh Dario Argento... Gone are the days of your masterful mood and mystery, but you still hire your daughter to get her tits out.

Dracula 3-D looks to be some stilted, amateurish, Phantom of the Opera kind of awful. Which is to say, it will be a dreadfully good time, emphasis on the dreadful. You'd think pairing a world class director with an iconic character would bring about some spectacle, but it looks like the budget went entirely toward... I don't know... somebody's gambling debts?

Alas, I'm looking forward to the cardboard setting and pixelated gore in glorious three dimensions. Just as I mourned The Mother of Tears, Do You Like Hitchcock? and Giallo before it, Dracula 3-D promises the same kind of slapshod craftsmanship, with the same promise of unintentional hilarity. Bram Stoker just didn't have the balls to have his Dracula face a giant praying mantis.

Dario, I miss your arthouse horror masterpieces, but you do still make some of the best bad movies I didn't even think possible. You and Lucio Fulci have kept me on my toes. I just never know if I'm about to walk on elegant marble steps or through a steaming sewer of shit.

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