Dracula Bites

Oh Dario Argento... Gone are the days of your masterful mood and mystery, but you still hire your daughter to get her tits out.

Dracula 3-D looks to be some stilted, amateurish, Phantom of the Opera kind of awful. Which is to say, it will be a dreadfully good time, emphasis on the dreadful. You'd think pairing a world class director with an iconic character would bring about some spectacle, but it looks like the budget went entirely toward... I don't know... somebody's gambling debts?

Alas, I'm looking forward to the cardboard setting and pixelated gore in glorious three dimensions. Just as I mourned The Mother of Tears, Do You Like Hitchcock? and Giallo before it, Dracula 3-D promises the same kind of slapshod craftsmanship, with the same promise of unintentional hilarity. Bram Stoker just didn't have the balls to have his Dracula face a giant praying mantis.

Dario, I miss your arthouse horror masterpieces, but you do still make some of the best bad movies I didn't even think possible. You and Lucio Fulci have kept me on my toes. I just never know if I'm about to walk on elegant marble steps or through a steaming sewer of shit.

Obscure Beauty: The House With Laughing Windows (1976)

Obscure Beauty: The Blood Spattered Bride (1972)

Obscure Beauty: Sleeping Beauty (1959)

Obscure Beauty: Pink Narcissus (1971)

Obscure Beauty: Faster, Pussycat! Kill! Kill!

“Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to violence. The word and the act. While violence cloaks itself in a plethora of disguises, its favorite mantle still remains… sex. Violence devours all it touches, its voracious appetite rarely fulfilled. Yet violence doesn’t only destroy, it creates and molds as well. Let’s examine closely then this dangerously evil creation, this new breed encased and contained within the supple skin of woman. The softness is there, the unmistakable smell of female. The surface shiny and silken. The body yielding yet wanton. But a word of caution: handle with care and don’t drop your guard. This rapacious new breed prowls both alone and in packs, operating at any level, any time, anywhere, and with anybody. Who are they? One might be your secretary, your doctor’s receptionist… or a dancer in a go-go club!”