Profiles in Greatness: Dawn Wiener

DAWN WIENER

in

Welcome to the Dollhouse (1995)

Education:  7th grade, Benjamin Franklin Jr. High School
Nicknames:  Wienerdog, Lesbo, Dogface

Favorite Word:  Finger-fuck
Least Favorite Word:  Cunt  ("I didn't mean to be a cunt.")

On Politics:

• "No, I just don't feel like it... but I think marijuana should be legalized."
• "Just because he's a faggot doesn't mean he's an asshole."

Activities:

• Co-founder of "The Special People Club"
• Drinks in the TV room over "Quiz Bowl"/Infomercials
• Piano ("I could have kept going but I sprained my finger yesterday.")

First Crush:  Steve Rodgers ("Steve. Steve. Steve. Hear me. You will fall in love with me. You will make love to me. You will take me away from this place...")


Favorite Foods: Yodels, Ring Dings, Pop-Tarts, Hawaiian Punch, fish sticks...

"And I know how to make Jello!... 

Where are you going?! 

We still have some Yodels left!"

Best Quality:
 

"Dignity. Dignity is an important quality everyone should have. That way you will never grade grub. Grade grubbing is bad... cuz it mean's you're asking for a grade you shouldn't get. Cuz if you got it, it wouldn't be fair to everyone else in the class who didn't grade grub. It doesn't matter whether you're a girl or a boy, man or a child, rich or poor, fat or thin... You should never be a grade grubber. Therefore, dignity is a good quality everyone should have."

"I don't think I have time to give lessons to Barry... 

Wanna see my fingers?" 

Quotable: Elves (1989)

WILLY: I'm not a pervert. I like seeing naked girls.

KIRSTEN: I'm your fuckin' sister!

WILLY: Yeah, and you've got fucking big tits and I'm gonna tell everybody I saw 'em.

KIRSTEN: Get outta here! You're not supposed to be in here without my permission.

WILLY: Yeah, well fuck you. Mom says she's giving me all your money, so fuck you.

Profiles in Greatness: Suzanne Stone

SUZANNE STONE

in

TO DIE FOR (1995)

 

"It's nice to live in a country where life, liberty... 

and all the rest of it, still stand for something." 

Name:   Suzanne Stone (aka. Suzanne Maretto)
Occupation:    On-Air Correspondent of the WWEN Weather Center in Little Hope, NY
Nickname:   Gangbusters

 On using her "Professional Name"...

"It's not like I have negative feelings about the name Maretto. Maretto was the name after all of my husband who I loved very, very much. It's also the name of his parents, Joe and Angela Maretto, and his lovely and talented sister Janice Maretto, who have been like a second family to me, and who I regard as I do my own family. Particularly since my recent tragedy... And who, just through knowing and being related to them, have given me what I think is a very precious and valuable insight into the different kind of ethnic relationships that are a part of the very things that I've been trying to explore as a member of the professional media."

On branding...

"The point is that, for instance, Connie Chung -- who is married I believe to Maury Povich, the well-known interviewer -- doesn't say, "Hello, this is Connie Povich with the news," now does she? And I don't think she would be embarrassed by it or anything like that because she's already pretty ethnic when you think about it... Or, to take another example, someone who doesn't appear to have an ethnic bone in their body... there's Jane Pauley. Who I strongly relate to because, you know, when you have... similar physical traits. Although I think we don't have to struggle with the weight problem like she does...  And she also, to the best of my knowledge, has never identified herself audience-wise as Jane Trudeau, even though her husband, Mr. Trudeau, is a prominent cartoonist of some kind, and not as so many people believe, the ex-president of Canada. So what I'm saying is this... There are some people who never know who they are or who they want to be, until it's too late. And that is a real tragedy in my book. Because I always knew who I was and who I wanted to be. Always."  

On being in the public eye...

"Of course if you're actively seeking a career in the professional ice skating field -- in the spotlight, so to speak -- I think you have to maximize your positive features. So what I'm saying is, a qualified plastic surgeon could snip away those little... beauty spots, or facial blemishes - whatever you want to call 'em - and you'd see how much better you feel about yourself! I believe that Mr. Gorbachev -- y'know, the man who ran Russia for so long?  I believe that he would still be in power today if he'd done what so many people suggested and had that big purple thing taken off his forehead. I firmly believe that. Someday I hope to interview him and we would discuss that along with more pertinent, international things."

On balancing career and family...

"I love kids! I absolutely love them! But a woman in my field with a baby has two strikes against her. Say I'm in New York, right? And I'm called to go on some foreign assignment -- like a royal wedding or... a revolution in South America! You can't run from place to place with your crew following you and conduct SERIOUS interviews with a big fat stomach! Or say you've already had the baby and you've got this blubber, these boobs out to here... It's just so gross."

On media influence...

"You're not anybody in America unless you're on TV. On TV is where we learn about who we really are. Because what's the point of doing anything worthwhile if nobody's watching? And if people are watching? It makes you a better person."

"I believe that in our fast moving computer age it is the medium of television that joins together the global community. And it is the television journalist who serves as messenger. Bringing the world into our homes and our homes into the world. It has always been my dream to become such a messenger. I look to you gentlemen now to make that dream a reality."

On her personal influences...

"Barbara (Walters) does have many admirable qualities. Wide range of knowledge of current events, and a deep sympathy for people's inner feelings -- which is a trait so many people have of the Jewish persuasion."

"Everyone has to start somewhere! Do you know where Edward R. Murrow started? ... No. Well... Neither do I offhand. But I don't think it was at the top, do you?"

In the words of her friends and colleagues...

"Suzanne Maretto was a beautiful human being with real dreams and aspirations."

"She's like one of those porcelain dolls that mom collects. She is so pure and delicate and innocent, you just have to look at her and you want to take care of her for the rest of your life."

 "I never really gave a rat's ass about the weather until I got to know Ms. Moretto. Now I take it very seriously. If it rains, or there's lightning or thunder, or if it snows... I have to jack off."

"Four letters. Begins with C... "

"Cold. C-O-L-D. Cold. "

Profiles in Greatness: Jerri Blank

JERRI BLANK
in
STRANGERS WITH CANDY (2005)

"Well... hello. I'm Jerri Blank and... and I'm an alcoholic. I'm also addicted to amphetamines as well as mainline narcotics. Some people say I have a sex addiction, but I think all those years of prostitution was just a means to feed my ravenous hunger for heroin. It's kinda like the chicken or the nugget. The point is I'm addicted to gambling. Thank you. Oh... and uhh... my daddy's in a coma."

Nicknames: Mr. Blank, Fat Goblin, Chunk
Age: 46
Occupation(s): Student, Junkie Whore
Claim to Fame: "Born with a complete set of teeth. Medical marvel."
Education: Freshman, Flat Point High School
IQ: Pisces

LIKES...

• Her Daddy
• Crank calls
• The drug trade ("I smuggled a lotta peppercorns across the straits of Sunda. Rough seas...")
• Loyalty

"Let me tell you somethin'. I run a pretty tight posse, all right? Now if you wanna be part of the crew, you're gonna have to follow a few simple rules. All right? It's about gettin' caught and not tellin', killin' and not carin', and dyin' without fear. You down for bein' up for that?"

• Boundaries ("You cross my chow zone again, you're gonna pull back a bloody stump.")
• The Chow Zone ("I take chorizo and eggs on a flour tortilla. And go easy on the jalapenos. I got a bit of the -PFFT- squirties.")
• Friendship

"You're like family to me. Well the white one. You darker ones are more like valued family servants."

• Brason ("Check out the titties on that arm!")
• Megawatti (see: Megatwatty)
• Tammi "Tammelas" Littlenut

"Tell you what... Usually I look out for numero me. But I like you... You're sweet. So I just might be willing to take you under my spicy buffalo wing. Huh, butter chop? I'll never slap you around. Less of course you get out of line."

• Tats
• Monkeys hitting each other with violins
• The demon with a hundred eyes

• Nighttime

"In the slammer some of the best stuff we'd get done would be at night. We'd be mixin' up the Jungle Juice, we'd slap on the old transistor radios... Course we had to make our own batteries cause the bulls kept takin' the real ones. You could drop a couple D-cell batteries into a pillowcase and use it to shatter a Puerto Rican skull. Brittle skulls... Oh, the batteries. So... right. What we would do is we'd take our own poopers , we'd work it into a paste and that would be the alkaloid, right? Then we'd fold in some tinfoil for the cells, and for the acid we'd use our own spit... Battery. "

DISLIKES...

• Surrogate Daddy and meat man, Stu
• "Dick lick" half-brother, Derrick
• Suprises ("Lets say I'm giving him a rusty trombone and he turns around and he tries to slap a dirty sanchez on me?")
• Other cultures

"Geez, I thought you peoples had thicker than skins than that. Y'know, fightin' tigers in the jungle and all... Why doesn't anybody like me?"

• Science fairs ("Nah, I'm thinkin' about pussy. Science fair's for queers.")
• Science

"Science is so boring. Stupid science. What did science ever do for me? Hey, Bobo, would you hand me the TV clicker and the electric shaver?"

• Pot

"I shook that monkey off my back a long time ago and I will NOT go down that road again! It led me to a dark place where I was sleepin' in the gutter and cookin' my breakfast up in a teaspoon. By the end I was barely human."

• Accusations

"I hope you can back up that accusation with something other than a fact!... What are you saying? I sung like a canary? I'm squealer? A stooly? Well people like that are just scum to be scraped off the boot heel -- I did it."

• Lessons

"I learned a valuable lesson. Tammelas, Megawatti... I'm so sorry for betraying you. For betraying my daddy. I sold you out because I wanted friends that were more attractive and popular than you. But I've changed. Now I know that I shouldn't feel the way I still so strongly do... Team?"

• Judgement

"Now before you judge me, consider this. You're not so innocent yourself. I'm guessing you've done some pretty horrible things. Like the time you set that boat on fire and watched those Haitians panic. Oh wait... That was me. The point is you're a racist. Think about it. I haven't. Goodnight."

Profiles in Greatness: 'Jackie-O' Pascal

'JACKIE-O' PASCAL
in
THE HOUSE OF YES (1997)

"Marty and I had just turned fourteen. We went to an Ides of March party and I went as Jackie Onassis. In a pink Chanel suit and a pillbox hat. And blood on my dress. Well, ketchup actually... And other stuff, too. Like macaroni, kind of glued on, like... brains. It was more tasteful than it sounds. Everybody remembers that day. Exactly what they were doing."

LIKES...

• Her twin brother, Marty ("Pretend he's not my brother. I do.")
• Jacqueline Kennedy Onassis
• Sticky Tape ("Goo is what tape is all about. Goo is what makes it tape instead of paper.")
• Her pink hairbrush

"It looked like a hairbrush. A brush you brush your hair with.... Yes, it was pink goddammit! It was pink! It was pink and now its gone!... I don't want a comb. I want a brush! Combs straighten your hair. I want it to gleam!"

• Guns ("Just being gun-like. Gun-esque. Gun-onic.")
• Watching soap operas
• Baking brownies ("Normalcy is coursing through my veins.")
• 5th Grade Field trips to Washington, D.C.

"Have you ever been to Washington before? ... Not even on a field trip? Not even on a 5th Grade field trip? ... In 5th Grade? Really?... So you just snubbed it. You just snubbed your nation's capital."

• Assassination Books ("A lot. Lincoln, McKinley, Kennedy, King... Kennedy.")
• Speaking French
• Playing "French Revolution"
• Playing Assassination

"I didn't mean to maim you. I only meant to kill you... I've noticed Anthony wears a lot of layers around me. Don't you, Anthony? Look at him. He's got a T-shirt, a dress shirt, a vest and a jacket."

• Piano
• Mime
• Her new meds

"They switched me! I used to be green, now I'm brown. I wanted pills to match my eyes. Color me beautiful."

• Hurricanes

"We went to Virginia Beach and our motel was right on the water. Mom and Dad were drinking rum and Pepsi out of Styrofoam cups and giggling..."

• Ice

"I'm talking about texture. I'm talking about texture. In the last hurricane we had ice! Mama and Daddy had a bucket of ice in a cooler down the hall! We'd just march down the hall whenever we had a yen for ice!"

DISLIKES...

• Being "bourgeois"
• "Love" ("Don't use that word. "Love" is for tiny people with tiny lives.")
• Sincerity ("It's declasse.")
• Honesty ("If people are going to start telling the truth around here, I'm going to bed.")
• Doctors
• Side-effects

"I spend most of my days with my head in the toilet bowl. Throwing up pills. I can't really think when I take the pills and a person needs to think. I mean if a person can't think, what are they?"

• Marty's lizard
• Marty's fiancee

"Don't leave this girl alone with any handsome deaf mutes, Marty. That's my advice to you."

• Pancakes ("Pancakes. Pancakes, Marty.")
• Pennsylvania

"I've never met anyone who's been to Pennsylvania. Much less been from Pennsylvania. Pennsylvania's just this state that gets in your way when you have to go some place else."

• Flat seltzer
  

"She started screaming about bubbles. How there were no bubbles. So she started boiling the seltzer water. When the water started bubbling, she poured the boiling water back into the seltzer bottle. Which was... plastic.... and it started to melt, and kinda melted into her hand where she was holding it. She had to go to the emergency room with third degree burns. And on the way home, whenever Mom and I asked her a question, she'd tell us to, "Stop giving me the third degree!" Then she'd laugh... Kind of hysterically..."

Profiles in Greatness: Corky St. Clair

CORKY ST. CLAIR
in
WAITING FOR GUFFMAN (1996)

"Corky, without you there's no show. Without the show there's no celebration. Without celebration there's no Blaine. So you see how it's a domino effect... Y'know how dominoes do that? Without Blaine - I got news for ya - there's no Missouri! Blaine is the heart of Missouri. What happens if Missouri goes down? You tell me..."

On getting his start...

"I had been living in New York and working there as an actor, and I really felt I needed a change. I imagined, in my fantasy I suppose, that when I came here I would have a completely different life. Perhaps a construction worker or one of those guys that works on those high wire things that-- With the hard hat. Y'know, with that sweeping sort of hat. And, uhh... with the chaps. But that didn't really work out. I began to realize, I guess, that the theatre was still in my blood. And what I had to do was make use of that so... I offered my services to the high school here and they accepted. And I began to teach DRAMA. And within about six months I had formed the Blaine Community Players."

On his career highlight...

"My production on the stage of "Backdraft" was what really got them excited. This whole idea of "in your face" theatre really affected them. The conceptualization, the whole abstraction, the obtuseness of this production... To me was what was interesting. I wanted the audience to feel the heat from the fire, the fear -- because people don't like fire poked -- POKED in their noses. You know when you get a cinder from a barbecue right on the end of your nose and you kinda make that little face...? That's not a good thing. I wanted to have them -- The sense memory of that. So during the show I had someone burn newspapers and send it through the vents in the theatre. Well... they freaked out. Of course the fire marshal came over and they shut us down for a couple of days."

On rejection...

"Well, then, I just hate you... and I hate your... ass FACE!"

On being a struggling artist...

"So what I'm understanding here - correct me if I'm wrong - is that you're not givin' me any money. So now I'm left basically with nothin', I'm... left with ZERO, in which, in which -- What can I do with zero, y'know? What can I -- I can't do anythin' with it! This is my life here we're talkin' about here, all right? We're not just talkin' about... somethin' else. We're talkin' about my life, you know? It's forcing me to do somethin' I don't want to do. To leave. To go out and just leave and go home and say - make a clean cut here - and say, "No way, Corky! You're not puttin' up with these people!" And I'll tell you why I can't put up with you people. Because you're BASTARD people. That's what you are. You're just bastard people. And I'm goin' home and I'm gonna bite my pillow, is what I'm gonna do!"

On casting...

"I was shopping for my wife Bonnie. I buy most of her clothes. And Mrs. Pearl was in the same shop. And it was just an accident. We started talking... about pantyhose. She was saying -- Whatever... That's not the point of the story. But what the point is was that through this accidental meeting -- It's like, y'know... It's like a Hitchcock movie where, y'know, you're thrown into a rubber bag and put in the trunk of a car... You find people. You find them. Something... Is it karma? Maybe... But we found him, that's the important thing. And I got Bonnie a wonderful pantsuit."

On accepting a challenge...

"In a funny way, what the City Council did really gave me a challenge. And it's a challenge that I am going to accept. It's like in the olden days, when the... The days in France when the men would slap each other with their gloves and say, y'know, "D'Artagnan!" ... Y'know, "How do you talk to me like that, you?" And SMACK him."

On directing...

"Casting a show is really only the beginning of the process. There's also the whole design concept. What fabrics will work for the costumes. The lighting. And it really becomes a rasslin' match, I guess, between me and the muse of theatre. And most of all dance."

On preparation...

"I'd like you to close your eyes now and try something, all right? What are you thinking? What are you feeling right now with your eyes closed? ...Your first feeling was not that I was blowing on you, it was more like... Virgin Isles or Baha-manian. Or Arubian."

On remembering lines...

"What I'm saying is, if they're gonna forget it anyway, then what difference does it make? I mean -- You see what I mean? It's like one of those... It's like a... It's like a... a zen... thing! It's like, y'know... Y'know, how many babies fit in the, in the... tire... thing. That whole joke, y'know."

On nerves...

"This is like when you're getting your legs waxed and they rip that thing off real fast. That's what this is like."

On the future...

"'The Guffman News' is really big and I don't, truthfully, think that the cast understands how big. They don't know the New York thing. They haven't been through it and I have. Y'know, so it's kind of on my shoulders. And going to the Big Apple for the first time, y'know, is... such an experience. You never forget it. It stays with you for your whole life. Me, y'know, right out of the Navy. Fresh off a destroyer. With a dance belt and a tube of chapstick, basically. Y'know, not really much to call my own, and then basically being slammed down for ten or so years, y'know... Off off off off Broadway. And then enough is enough, okay? I get the joke. And... is that going to happen again? I don't know. And, I mean, I don't want it to happen again. In my deepest, deepest of hearts, I do not want it to happen again. Mr. Guffman brings with him a reputation. Something bigger than anyone in this town has ever known. And if I am to get back to New York City on my terms, I cannot deliver him a stinky product. I really have to be presenting him a package. A beautifully wrapped, glossy, sweet smelling show."