Thursday, December 11, 2008

The Right Man for Winona Ryder


The tabloids have romantically tied Winona Ryder to the likes of Johnny Depp, Tom Green, and that guy from Salute Your Shorts. A downward spiral to be sure, but no match for her cinematic love life. Worrisome indeed when Mr. Deeds gives anyone their happiest ending...

If Winona's unlucky in love, is there hope for any of us?


1988: Winona is tempted via cherry slush into the arms of sociopath Jason Dean. He's socially conscious and highly motivated, and also heavily armed. His attempt to terminate the student population brings them together as quickly as it tears them apart.


But Big Fun while it lasted.

1990: Winona falls for the bad boy yet again, but then his dad IS rich. Never mind that he's Anthony Michael Hall...

Winona is finally tempted astray by her first glimmer of true love -- the one that got away. She has a fantastical fling with a half-man-half-doll named Edward, whose handicap and reclusive tendencies make him an instant outsider and an instant curiosity.


Fittingly their romance blossoms once Edward's accused of stealing. It all ends devastatingly fast with the corpse of Anthony Michael Hall on Edward's front lawn. Hence Edward goes back into hiding, and as for Winona, she turns her eyes to a more socially acceptable man.

Like... God. Winona is "Born Again"... or maybe she's just "Born." Either way her attempts at religious celibacy fizzle rapidly over lustful kisses at church, and the fear that she might be carrying the next Jewish Italian Messiah.

"Please God don't let me fall in love and want to do disgusting things... Dear God, I love the way he throws. "

1991: Winona's tempted back to the dark side with her baddest boy yet. She finally gets her chance at epic, timeless love, and it's with one of the most famous men in the world. The drawback is that he's really, REALLY old, but age and experience have made him infinitely more interesting than Keanu Reeves. Alas, promises of sharing an eternity together mean very little when being staked through the chest.


1994: Drowning her sorrows in flannel and Lisa Loeb, Winona dares to dabble in the dating world again with both Ben Stiller and Ethan Hawke. With Winona we can anticipate the outcome. Ethan and Winona share a special bond over coffee, cigarettes, and unemployment brought on by petty theft.


What's this? A happy ending?! Only in the movies... Well, the movies tampered with by studio execs to score higher with test audiences. Please... Ethan was out the door the minute Winona's gas card maxed out.

2000: In the meantime, Winona's gotten age-old romantic with Daniel Day-Lewis and accused his wife of being a witch -- both ending with some disappointment. What she needs is the comfort of an older man, and Richard Gere will suffice. Their romance ends tragically, and about as quickly as it hit the collective gag reflex.


2007: It's been a long dry patch only further disgraced by the presence of Adam Sandler... But then Winona finally meets the man of her dreams! After all that pining and loss, she finally has her grip on a man whose devotion is as strong as oak. As with her previous great love, Edward, Winona's heart ultimately swells for the gentler sort of man -- and apparently the hand-manufactured one as well.

"I've never felt so alive!"

Winona's right-hand man can literally be worn on her right hand, and his sweet nothings really are just that.

There is hope after all. Here's to Gary and Winona. Long may they last, with a love carved into the ages.

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