Digital Lust

I'm a simple man. All I want for Christmas are a few DVD's. There's just one catch...

They don't exist.

Where are my "ultimate, unrated, too shocking, too sacrilegious" special editions of these hard-to-find classics? Santa's got his work cut out this year after securing rights, conducting rare cast interviews, and scouring the earth for restored prints and never-before-seen footage...

Come Back to the Five and Dime, Jimmy Dean, Jimmy Dean

And then come to DVD... Jimmy Dean, Jimmy Dean...

It's a stage play as much as it is one of Robert Altman's fluid cinematic dreams, centralized in a dusty town that has long seen its Last Picture Show. An aging club of James Dean devotees, still swooning over their legendary encounters with the star, reconvene years later to reveal the secrets and lies of their shared past.

It's a showcase for performances both theatrical and understated by an A-list cast the likes of Cher, Kathy Bates and Sandy Dennis. Special mention goes to Karen Black as a transsexual transformed (via a surgeon with a sense of humor) from "don't call me queer" Jesse (Mark Patton) of A Nightmare on Elm Street Part 2. And he's just as gay this time around, maybe a bit less.


It's not known as one of Altman's greats if only because of some flaws within the source material, but his translation to screen is masterful, as is his clever play with time and space. Confined to a singular sleepy locale, Altman brings about the ache of his characters and their crumbling facades on par with that of their dying town.

Ideal Extras: How great would an actress commentary be? Cher and Sandy Dennis give especially memorable turns here and it would be nice to hear their experiences with the late, great Robert Altman. They could even reunite the cast at a five and dime somewhere to talk about their glory days on set together. We can always hope for some trash talk and a few life-altering tragedies along the way.

The Devils

Not on DVD? Sacrilege! Let's burn Warner Brothers!

Director Ken Russell trips out on blasphemy, orgies and eye popping art design, plus Vanessa Redgrave as a horny hunchback in a habit. Unfortunately these things don't come along everyday, and as an added bonus, this movie apparently offends Catholics.

Urbain Grandier (Oliver Reed), a corrupt 17th Century priest, is swept up in the hysteria of witchcraft after a repressive nun (Redgrave) lusts and then lies about the father's seductive powers. The far greater corruption within the church spins the web of lies into a grand panic filled with sex, sacrifice and holy sacrament. The darkly funny and fact-based film offers grand production design by Derek Jarman and a rare take on religious frenzy.


Scheduled for release last year, the disc was pulled by Warner Brothers almost immediately after being announced. No reasons were given, but either the Pope caught wind of the nun gangbang or there was a property rights issue. We'll hope for the former.

Ideal Extras: The most important being the fully restored print of the film -- a difficult enough feat considering the many versions in circulation and cuts made around the world. The infamous (and irreverently titled) "Rape of Christ" sequence should be fully restored, or in lieu of that, humorously recreated by a modern day Vanessa Redgrave.

Love Streams

Someone buy the studio execs a farm to show them our love and devotion. That should do it.

The masterful humanism of John Cassavetes bleeds through this painful, honest and heartfelt story of a brother and sister trying to find love and express it to others by any means necessary. Robert Harmon (Cassavetes), an author and alcoholic by equal esteem, spends his days keeping his many lovers and recently reunited son at bay. Sarah Lawson (Gena Rowlands) tries to adapt to her dissolving marriage and stilted relationship with her daughter through elaborate expressions of her affection, no matter the greater distance they cause.

Stunning performances and Cassavetes' signature nuance and naturalism capture immense truth and tragedy, not to mention some hilarious comic moments as Sarah's character moves further off the deep end. Based on a play by Ted Allen, the film never feels out of step with Cassavetes' invasive realism, and it's yet another career peak for Gena Rowlands. I'd express my love for her in the most awkward and exaggerated way possible if I only knew how...


Ideal Extras: Perhaps a second Cassavetes box set from Criterion? We do still need Minnie and Moskowitz and Husbands on disc as well. Imagine rare interviews, extended footage, lost scenes and essays by Gena Rowlands. And scene selections, probably.

Looking for Mr. Goodbar

And we're still looking...

Such a vicious and tragic tale, tied to its era and told with a harrowing edge that still has bite. Diane Keaton, in one of her finest and most daring performances, plays Theresa Dunn, a teacher of deaf children by day who's seeking out illicit sex and drugs after sundown. Her encounters with strange men become an escape from the past that had kept her so contained, but ultimately lead her to a terrifying fate.

The story and novel by Judith Rossner was based on the murder of schoolteacher Roseann Quinn in 1973, which certainly adds to the film's bleakness. The psychology and themes inside are about as conflicted and distraught as the central character, but so often the film achieves a chilling and uniquely fascinating quality. Much of that is due in part to Keaton's strength and savvy onscreen, as well as the inevitable horror awaiting us as the viewer.


Ideal extras: Director Richard Brooks must have a lot to say considering the content, and every fan should be intrigued to hear the story of its inspiration. Plus, interviews with Diane Keaton in which she talks about her golden era of edgy roles and then apologizes for Because I Said So. Why? Because I said so. The cherry on top is rare extended footage of Richard Gere and Tom Berenger in their debut, looking cute and coked out in jockstraps.

Looking for Mr. Goodbar in Twin Peaks

Things have been getting too light around here, so let's talk about child abuse, shall we? In all dead seriousness I'd never seen Diane Keaton's slow descent into drugs and debauchery before this week. By Looking for Mr. Goodbar's expected yet bone-chilling end, I couldn't help but reminisce about the film's many mixed messages, how downright awesome Diane Keaton can be, how Richard Gere was fated to wear a jockstrap, and how David Lynch must have thought this story would be great for television.

Laura Palmer, meet Theresa Dunn. You two should talk.

Twin Peaks: Fire Walk With Me meets Looking For Mr. Goodbar

Warning: It gets dark, disturbing, and there will be SPOILERS!!

Laura helps others. She teaches Josie Packard in English, aids the handicapped son of Benjamin Horne, and she helps deliver for Meals on Wheels.

Theresa helps others. She teaches deaf children to speak and takes a special interest in a welfare student.

Laura's psychological issues stem from sexual abuse by her father.

Theresa's psychological issues stem from emotional and verbal abuse by her father and (as odd as it sounds and is in the film) the scoliosis he passed onto her.

Laura's father lectures her lifestyle by saying that she's dirty ("Did you get this from your lover? Did Bobby give you this or is there someone new?... Wash your hands!"). Her mom stands idly by and lights up another smoke.

Theresa's father lectures her lifestyle by saying that she's dirty ("You're too damn busy whoring around!"). Her mom stands idly by and slips a bible into her purse.

Laura acts out by seeking dangerous drug and sex-fueled encounters with strange men.

Theresa acts out by seeking dangerous drug and sex-fueled encounters with strange men.

Laura is murdered on a night of business with some of her nastiest clientele. She is stabbed to death by her father under a strobing white light.

Theresa is murdered the night of New Year's during a hookup with a self-loathing gay man, whom she takes home in avoidance of a man with connections to her father. She is stabbed to death under a strobing white light.

Finally, Laura and Theresa also parallel when both girls have mirrors placed in front them, each at very pivotal, perilous moments.

Now, if only to lighten the dismal mood, here's coked out Richard Gere doing push-ups in a jockstrap.

Woodstock 2008

I've seen approximately 23 of Woody Allen's films, showing only the faintest disinterest in two of them (those being Small Time Crooks and his most recent outing, Cassandra's Dream). I've only witnessed about half of his output, and while I'm led to believe there are a few more disappointments awaiting me, I have to say the man's work is remarkably consistent, almost shockingly so. Considering just how prolific he is, Woody Allen's never really made anything less than "above average" caliber, and considering the artistic risks he so often takes, it's a wonder he isn't even more revered as a filmmaker. Notice in trailers and artwork for his latest, Vicky Cristina Barcelona, that his name barely merits a mention or any kind of prominent display. It's absurd treatment for one of the seminal voices in American cinema.

In honor of his impending new release, and in hopes of giving him his due respect, here is my list of the Top 5 Woody Allen Films. I recommend a marathon. Your very own Woodstock 2008. You'll laugh, you'll cry, you'll forget Small Time Crooks altogether.

1) Hannah and Her Sisters (1986)

"How the hell do I know why there were Nazis? I don't know how the can opener works!"

While some prefer Allen's comedies and some prefer his dramas, Hannah and Her Sisters serves as an absolute mastery and marriage of the two. The interweaving story of three sisters and their crossed love lives is perfect fodder for Allen's tackling of social and sexual mores. The large ensemble of characters are given remarkably dense arcs and still the film never halts the laughter. The narrative is remarkably flawless as he weaves through his favored themes of adultery and philosophical pondering, all with a refreshing mix of both the cynical and hopeful. Special mention must be given to an even more likable than usual Dianne Wiest and Woody Allen himself at his neurotic best.

2) Interiors (1978)
"You'll live to be a hundred if you give up all the things that make you want to."

Initially perceived as one of Allen's failures, it has since been reassessed by his fans as the masterful drama it is. Allen takes obvious influence from Ingmar Bergman and uses Gordon Willis' cinematography to stunning effect. It's perhaps the heaviest of Allen's films and also one of his best constructed. The story follows a distraught family stifled by their controlling, mentally-ill mother, who's completely unable to accept her surroundings and the recent separation from her husband. We get the chance to see Diane Keaton in an atypically dark role here and yet the showcase is the sublime Geraldine Page as the mother. Bergman would be especially proud of the bits where Page learns of her impending divorce during a visit to the cathedral. The emotions barely register on her face and then she all but shatters before our eyes. She swipes away the nearby candles and flees to the safety of her confined interiors. And I'll never forget the way she so casually tapes up her windows and turns on the gas. It's one of Allen's most beautiful, bleak and affecting works.

3) Another Woman (1988)

"For here there is no place that does not see you. You must change your life."

Like Interiors, Allen again acknowledges his influences. With Another Woman there's a bit of Bergman (especially due to Bergman cinematographer Sven Nykvist) and a bit of Brecht as we descend into the mind of one of Allen's most repressed characters. We're used to seeing Gena Rowlands play women on the edge in John Cassevete's films, but here she's playing someone who appears to have it all together. The drama begins when Marion Post rents an apartment to better focus on her writing, but she's quickly distracted upon overhearing a woman's voice drifting through the air ducts. The mysterious woman (played by Mia Farrow) is speaking to her analyst about living a life she hardly knows. Marion is typically the type to shrug off this kind of introspection and fruitless discussions of the past, but the woman's painful longings strike an unexpected chord. They set the course for a life-changing journey in which Marion struggles with the choices of her past and where her life is headed. The themes are extremely resonant, and while the story might seem dark and depressing on the surface, it ultimately becomes one Allen's most rich and rewarding works, with Rowlands a consummate wonder as always.

4) Husbands and Wives (1992)

"It's the Second Law of Thermodynamics: sooner or later everything turns to shit. That's my phrasing, not the Encyclopedia Britannica."

Mentioned mostly in parallels to Woody Allen's real life marital strife, Husbands and Wives is a key film in his career for some unexpected reasons. Perhaps only a person going through such personal turmoil could write such incisive words and find such brutal honesty in these characters' relationships. The innovative mock documentary style lends itself well to the probing dissection of marriage, as one couple's divorce causes a ripple effect amongst their friends. There's a heavy dose of Allen's humor but with a biting edge this time, delivered by an ensemble at the top of their game. Special mentions must go to Judy Davis as the embittered ex, Sally, who's responsible for one of the most awkward and hilarious bad dates in movie history, and Juliette Lewis as a smart college student who tempts and teaches Allen's frustrated husband.

5) The Purple Rose of Cairo (1985)

"I want what happened in the movie last week to happen this week. Otherwise what's life all about anyway?"

It's a film that all film lovers should see, and I can't imagine they'll come away untouched by its sweet sentiments. It's so easy to connect to this whimsical tale of a woman longing to escape her drab Depression-era life and her distant, brutish husband. Her escape comes by venturing into the movies, made physically possible when a beloved character literally steps off the screen just to meet her. It's the makings for a heartwarming romance and a brilliant meta exercise, in which the dilemma of that scenario happening in the real world is used to great comic effect. Allen finds a rare and deft balance, giving it real depth and still managing to make it feel light and breezy. It also contains one of Allen's most wonderfully poignant and melancholy endings, which brings the viewer back to reality and puts an end to their own cinematic escape.

For perspective, and just for kicks, here's my next five favorites... making this actually a Top Ten List... but who's really counting?... Besides me... obviously...

6) Manhattan Murder Mystery (1993)

"You gotta go back to your shrink. You know how General Motors will recall defective cars? Well, you gotta go in for a tune-up."

7) (tie) Annie Hall (1977)

AND Manhattan (1979)

"My analyst warned me, but you were so beautiful I got another analyst."

8) Stardust Memories (1980)

"To you, I'm an atheist; to God, I'm the loyal opposition."

9) Match Point (2005)

"It would be fitting if I were apprehended... and punished. At least there would be some small sign of justice - some small measure of hope for the possibility of meaning. "

10) Zelig (1983)

"The Ku Klux Klan, who saw Zelig as a Jew, that could turn himself into a Negro and an Indian, saw him as a triple threat."