Ugly Kids.

A friend, Matt, recently sent me this endearing image (no link - "Matt doesn't advertise" - but does refer to himself in third person). Although I take full credit for Michael Keaton Baby...

I once posted that photo when writing of my most beloved TV documentary of late, My Fake Baby: the hard-hitting look at doll collecting... via British women who think their dolls are children... basically. Reborn babies are the wave of the neurotic and scary future, I'm telling you.

I'd once told Matt of a trip to Kansas City where I'd seen an interstate billboard that had two average kids' grade school photos. Beneath it was the text,"Ugly Kids." And there my love of advertising was born.

"I have to think these things up. You know..."

Maybe I'm too staunch a character to allow such alive and lovably eccentric ladies to be placed into the biopic mold. "There's nothing worse, I'm telling you."

The new Grey Gardens -- which aims to bring backstory to the high-society squalor of Big and Little Edie Beale -- feels partially inspired and partially stale. Not much different really from a piece of dry bread left to the raccoons in the Beales' attic. The attempts to fill in the gaps of Albert and David Maysles' seminal documentary are where the film finds its emotions forced and grey clouds hovering over such beautiful blossoms.


Drew Barrymore and Jessica Lange both fare best in the documentary-era scenes, which seem to blend the devotion and disarray of these women most clearly. Barrymore gives one of the most complete performances of her career, and only feels like Drew Barrymore as old-age Drew Barrymore in a fraction of the scenes. She doesn't master Edie's mannerisms and dialect, but she comes impressively close enough and it's fun to watch her find the spirit of this toe-tappin' recluse. Jessica Lange too finds Big Edith best when she's confined to "present day," but one could argue she was aiming to do less imitation and more method acting. Do you think she really sat around singing in cat piss and ice cream cartons to prepare for this? Anything less would be below my own staunch standards. S-T-A-U-N-C-H.


The Beales' shared dreams and tattered remains do eventually translate, but only after too many orchestrating scenes of Edie trying to escape and those ever-painful "biopic moments" that seek to define a history rather than deliver it. It's no different than a film like Van Sant's recent Milk, which turns a radically emotional and personal documentary into a more calculating take on its characters - to the benefit of some perspective and to the loss of so much personality. Both are fine films by any standard, but too bound by structure to pull at my heart-strings. My issues with this revamp/retrospective seem to rest primarily (and maybe unfairly) with the problematic nature of its form, and less to do with its pleasurable performances, rich art direction, and any "in-joke" echoes of these infinitely fascinating women. It's definitely not a revolutionary costume, but it'll do.

I Love My Fake Baby

I nominate My Fake Baby for Best Documentary of the Year.

It's the story of two women whose devotion to their "reborn babies" totally transcends the ridiculous. Reborn babies are ultra-realistic dolls that can mimic breathing, warmth, wriggling and heartbeats, and there's a growing British fanbase. Accordingly then this documentary is hilarious, but also so painful in its desperation that it strikes an unusual dramatic chord. When one woman presents her husband with her first Reborn acquisition -- a doll made to resemble their grandson in minute detail -- she is met with a reaction of slight concern and repulsion. Her guttural cries indicate she was expecting her husband to be just as passionate as one would be in welcoming a newborn into the family. Her actual grandchild is wise enough to set her straight, "That's a doll, you numbnuts!"

If only Christopher Guest's troupe had made this. The offbeat characters and delusional worldviews would have people rolling in the aisles just as this had me rolling in my computer chair... The only difference here is that these folks are real and so that laughter is tinged with equal parts dread and pity. There are apparently hundreds of grown British women who've taken to playing house with a hunk of finely detailed plastic. Basically it's brilliant (subtly devastating) comedy gold!

Watch it here:

Part 1 Part 2

First there's our reborn baby creator, Jamie, a single mom who took up the odd hobby after hunting for a realistic doll for her daughter. She skillfully paints individual veins, birthmarks, facial scratches, the works! Jamie's at the top of her craft; the Michelangelo of reborns. He used canvas whereas Jamie puts baby parts in her oven.


Jamie strolls up and down her local grocer with an empty cart, bumping into the customers, "Excuse me, would you like to buy a baby?... Come here every week and sell me babies." Watch as their utter joy melts into a shudder.


Jamie seems like a mostly stable woman who's great at what she does, and has found a ripe market in the questionably sane. It's also comforting that her daughters seem in on the joke. Yet another case of a child having significantly more sense than these adults.


Which brings us to the customer base:


Left: Sue is a woman overcome by a maternal instinct but with no desire for fussing and cleanup. Still, she individually washes the wheels on her pram (a creepier-sounding British stroller), bathes and even combs the hair of her four reborn daughters. Sue also travels to America for their "adoptions."

Right: Christina is a woman so overcome by sadness upon her grandson moving away that she replaces him with a doll replica.

Daily reminders that you're baby is actually a doll:

1) Those expensive designer bottle holders you bought are actually filled with laundry fluid, for the realistic appearance of actual milk.

2) The delivery of your baby required cardboard, packaging tape, and that reliable UPS service.

3) If your baby flies out of the car seat or loses its head, there's always a replacement online.

4) Sightseeing with your baby turns YOU into the main attraction.



With the reborn in one of her many designer prams (with detachable parasol), Sue wants to stand out on the playground. So much scary in a single image!

Sue says she's not delusional. "They're perhaps embarrassed for me because I am, perhaps, pushing a doll in a pram. But for me I don't see it like that, " she insists. "I don't see her as a baby, any of my girls. I don't see them as real babies. I know they're real dolls, I'm under no illusion. But it's just where I haven't got children, I guess there is still that female instinct in me."


The husbands are doing their best to remain supportive and oblivious. Sue's husband Terry doesn't even flinch when asked to pose in a family photo.

Of course Sue realizes why she prefers these dolls to real children, "Never grows out of her clothes, never soils them. It's just fabulous. The only difference is of course these guys don't move." Well I'm convinced it's for the best, not just because of the child's impending psychotic break, but also because of those nails!


Terry explains their lack of real kids: "The story behind that is when we was young, we decided that we would enjoy ourselves when we were young and have children later. But it's never stopped -- enjoying it. It's just we've had the holidays."

Sue elaborates, "It's too much commitment and I can't stand the noise, and I'm just so fussy really. If I could pick a child off the shelf, that would be wonderful because I could say, 'Yeah, I want one that's quiet and well behaved, and one that keeps clean.'"

The one Sue claws off the shelf is your "Average Creepy Baby":


There's also your "Ugly Baby":
The one on the right looks like Michael Keaton.


And my personal favorite: "Had a Hard Life Baby." She looks like she went from birth right into retirement.


Emmy voters where are you? Give My Fake Baby some love! If not for me, do it for the reborns and the reborns after them.

UR So Gay and You Don't Even Like Online Polls

AfterElton just released the results of their "Fifty Greatest Gay Movies" poll. Naturally a list like this is never worth much more than curiosity -- the same as with any poll summing up cinematic history. It's pretty much a "name fifty gay movies you can find at Blockbuster" list, but that's not to discount the many absolute gems that made it. It will come as no surprise that Brokeback Mountain took top honors, and I must say it would rank there or nearby on my personal list. The fact that it's followed so closely by 2007's Shelter is another matter -- a commendable film no doubt, but clearly a win based on recent memory rather than sheer brilliance. Also, how cringe worthy that there's more viewers in love with Another Gay Movie and The Birdcage than there are My Own Private Idaho!

Here are five films that didn't crack the list and that are just too astounding to pass by. You may not find them at Blockbuster, but this is the age of Netflix and internet piracy, so queue it or steal it. Better yet, buy them with money you've earned by returning your copy of Another Gay Movie.

Come Undone
(Presque Rien)

If there must be a coming out film on this list, it best be from the French. No preaching, no shouting matches, and no falsely sentimental endings. Come Undone is all about the mood of self discovery and conflicted first love. For Mathieu (Jérémie Elkaim) it becomes an issue of finding himself amidst his desires for the more open Cédric (Stéphane Rideau), as well as some troubling family drama. But drama is hardly the focus in this film, in fact it largely avoids those big moments in pursuit of something far more subdued and atmospheric. The official "coming out scene" is so passingly subtle that it exists merely as a stage of Mathieu's often dark emotional transition. It contrasts well with the sunlit warmth of his escalating feelings for Cédric and their exploratory summer romance. Talented director Sébastien Lifshitz cuts between these two tones to form an ambiguity very much in keeping with Mathieu's internal struggle. Compared to most American fare it's quite sparse and ambient, and that's precisely what gives the film its naturalism. Equal to that is the film's frank sexuality, especially notable in a scene where Mathieu and Cédric take to each other passionately in the dunes. Stéphane Rideau is a wonderfully sexy presence here as well, making the swooning desire all the more palpable.

Law of Desire
(La Ley del deseo)

Pedro Almodóvar's equally masterful Bad Education did manage to get honored, but this less available film from the gay Spanish auteur officially cemented his place in queer cinema. Part of the charm of Bad Education is the reflexive nature of Almodóvar's work, and this film acts as somewhat of a precursor to that. The story follows queer director Pablo Quintero (Eusebio Poncela) as he becomes the object of desire for a young fan, Antonio Benítez, played by a smoldering Antonio Banderas. Antonio's endearing nature and inexperience has Pablo quickly warming to him, but Antonio's intense feelings of first love mean taking drastic measures when he finds that Pablo has eyes for someone else. Almodóvar shows his usual talent for rich, unusual love stories and passionate, involving characters. The plot turns are nothing revelatory, but the motivations and complications are effortlessly thoughtful and compelling. It's beautiful work on all fronts, even taking in a notably progressive transgender character, played to perfection by Almodóvar regular Carmen Maura.

Happy Together
(Chu gwong cha sit)

Lai Yiu-fai (Tony Leung) and Ho Po-wing (Leslie Cheung) are off and on lovers whose worlds constantly converge and break away in this beautiful and expressive film from Wong Kar Wai, who knows a thing or two about sensuous romance. Kar Wai uses a unique process as a director in which he lets the story evolve and change completely during filming. It allows him to find the greatest truth in his characters and their relationships to form naturally. The outcome is as much a surprise to him as it is to the audience, and perhaps that's why this love story feels so honest and so innovative. Yiu-fai and Po-wing aren't the typical couple cinematically speaking, but their constant battling crossed with their invested need for one another is very typical of real life couples. Happy Together is gorgeous, organic and longing in a way so few relationship films are, especially ones that just happen to be about two men.

"I worry that you'll work in an office, have children, celebrate wedding anniversaries... The world of a heterosexual is a sick and boring life!"

Female Trouble

It's scandalous that not one John Waters movie cracked the list! I'm hoping it's that none of his films are overtly about gay relationships and not that gay audiences haven't sought out his work. Pink Flamingos and Female Trouble are two of his most raucous and reprehensible masterpieces, and Waters influence on queer and underground cinema must be acknowledged. He manages to make absolutely everything subversive, including having drag queen Divine play both the naughty Dawn Davenport and her repugnant rapist. Likewise there's the lovable Aunt Ida (played by the incomparable Edith Massey) persistently urging her nephew to stop being straight, "Queers are just better. I'd be so proud if you was a fag and had a nice beautician boyfriend. I'd never have to worry!" It's hilarious and refreshingly unfiltered. Being crude is one thing, but Waters has the wit to back it up.

Fox and His Friends
(Faustrecht der Freiheit)

Rainer Werner Fassbinder always tackles complex characters and socially relevant themes, and this one is an especially powerful cautionary tale starring Fassbinder himself in the lead. He plays Franz Bieberkopf, nicknamed 'Fox', a gay carnival worker whose desire to transcend his station ultimately pushes him lower than ever before. Fox buys lottery tickets in hopes of making it big, especially since he has to steal or borrow just to get money for the ticket. A chance encounter leads him into the arms of some wealthy and elite gay men who happily feed off Fox once his luck finally cashes in. For a 1975 release date it's a remarkably rounded portrayal of gay characters, both good and bad, which is an immense rarity even for modern releases.



Also missing from the list, perhaps not surprisingly, were any documentaries of value to gay audiences. Upon finally sitting down with The Times of Harvey Milk this last week, I was astounded at just how moving and impactful the life of this legendary activist still is. Harvey Milk's legacy will soon come into focus once again with Gus Van Sant's biopic Milk, but it would be a difficult feat to match this documentary, which will light a fire in the heart of anyone passionate about gay rights.

Additionally, there was no mention of The Celluloid Closet, which gives a worthwhile look at gay cinematic history. I'm actually partial to this compilation I found online called The Lavender Lens. It forms its narrative solely through the editing and takes us through gay representation since the beginning of cinema with clips that are surprising, funny and often unbelievable. A must see.

Get to watching these now if you haven't already had the pleasure. And if you have, write up your own list bitching about the great gay films left off mine.