Tuesday, April 29, 2008

Raping the Dead: Volume 1

Dirty headline, Dirtier deeds.

So many horror remakes... It's enough to make you want to steal a child's homework, strip it of its substance, and cash it in for a $20 million opening weekend! By this time next year we'll be seeing Prom Night 2, probably sans the Hello Mary Lou... Tragic.

Who knew the 80's was such an innocent time after all? Poltergeist earned a solid PG back in its day and we got face ripping, homicidal clowns AND parents toking up on their personal stash! Things have changed, and it makes me want to cry or, god, even harpoon a CW starlet.

These are the latest classics on the chopping block, and my perceptions of what they may offer come their time to pollute the box office.

Note: I'm not anti-remake entirely. Give me The Thing, but you can keep Black X-Mas, Glen Morgan, and whichever studio exec pulled that one out of your drain.


Friday the 13th (2008)

  • Mama better get a move on. Mrs. Voorhees doesn't even have the entire runtime! Jason's making his masked appearance right away in this revamp. Does this mean no big blue sweaters and schizo "kill her, mommy" monologues? A mother needs time to avenge!
  • This success could mean we'll be getting nine more sequels (and spinoffs) of descending coherence, and that's considering this first outing has very small odds of being coherent itself.
  • Defenders of director Marcus Nispel's other remake, The Texas Chainsaw Massacre, can credit it with the occasional grimy tension. But mentioning it in the same breath as Tobe Hooper's masterpiece? It's like complimenting my shoes while you shank me in the face.


  • Jason's not scary. Never was and never will be. Well, maybe when he wore a bag on his head and took cues from Mario Bava. Truthfully, the "mongoloid maniac" is always at his best when he appears out of nowhere... which is exactly where you know he is. This movie could seriously reinvent Jason! It won't, but it could.
  • Jason's back on Crystal Lake turf. No more trips between the moon and New York City. He knows his ground, and knows not to fuck around...

I hope they keep:
  • Annie (to the Gas Station Dog): Hey girl! (looks down and laughs) Excuse me... hey BOY!
  • Crazy Ralph (still on his loony bike): I'm a messenger of God. You're doomed if you stay here!
  • Officer Dorf: What, you just get off a spaceship or something? Come on... Columbian gold, man! Hash, the grass, the weed, dig it?

Rosemary's Baby (2010?)

  • Everything. But we will probably get to see Rosemary's actual baby this time around! It will be computer generated and voiced by Miley Cyrus. What was Roman Polanski thinking by leaving things to the imagination? He clearly didn't direct enough music videos.
  • No Mia Farrow or Ruth Gordon, but Jessica Alba's in because she knows someone in craft service.

  • No apartment can compete with The Bramford, but there's plenty of potential for creepy locales. Not to mention creepy neighbors and their chocolate "mouse."
  • New fans will discover the original classic, confused by this version's choice to give the devil-baby voiceovers ala. Look Who's Talking.

I hope they keep:
  • Old people sex orgies.
  • Minnie Castevet (on her pregnancy cocktail): Snips and snails and puppy dogs' tails!
  • Guy Woodhouse (on unconscious rape): It was kinda fun in a necrophile sort of way.

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