Thursday, July 3, 2008

What a nice break from the city... I hate it.

Just back from an impromptu vacation to the wiles of Wisconsin and a remote cabin in the woods. That should explain my questionably lengthy absence. (Apologies to the five of you; the nudity is a few posts down.)

It's nice to get away and all, but why is it that my hopes must always be built by the movies. They just lead you on. You think cabin in the woods and you imagine midnight visitors, cut phone lines, and untimely falls over tree branches you'd previously spotted on a hike...

All I got was ticks and a mosquito bite by my right eye. Fuck you Wisconsin and your peaceful serenity!

Here's just a few of my travel suggestions so you can avoid the same pleasant experience:

1) Only buy a cabin if a nearby shack or shanty can be found when wandering off the beaten trail. A vengeful mother's severed head is a nicer feature than a dishwasher. Trust me.

2) If you go to the local bar and no one is wearing a bag on their face... move along.

3) Stock your whole damn fridge with eggs and cups of sugar, just for good measure. You don't know what kind of home invasion you might invite. Any unexpected guest, even someone as offputting as a golf enthusiast or Michael Pitt, should be welcome whenever.

4) Always fuck LOUDLY and with friends in close proximity. Open a window maybe... In fact, if you aren't a teenager, pay some horny ones just to fuck on your property. Any sex spasm is a good spasm in my book.

5) Ancient incantations in the woods are not to be scoffed at. If it's between a game of Boggle or Kandarian possession, you'd be wise to choose the latter. In this game everyone wins! Alright, almost everyone wins...

And I complained when I got a splinter in my heel! Never again...

This next summer 2009, I plan to drive the entire state of Texas via unmapped roads on a quarter tank of gas. I'm looking for between four and five others to join me, but you must be horny, grating and dumb. I want this trip to be successful!


Pax Romano said...

I am so up for the Texas trip ... can I bring a buddy of mine, he's in a wheel chair,but his sister will tag along and take care of him.

Adam said...

I say "Come on Franklin, it's gonna be a fun trip!"

We will be buying barbecue and asking for directions at every possible turn. Any hitchhiker who knows what headcheese is gets to ride shotgun!