Something Rank (#1)

With this series I'll be counting down (rather counting up) the franchise fare of the four major celluloid boogeymen: Freddy Krueger, Jason Voorhees, Michael Myers, and everyone's favorite transvestite country bumpkin, Leatherface. From worst to best, a grand total of 36 films -- there's so much pleasure to be found in absolute disgust! Brace yourselves, it gets BAD before it gets sublime.

The countdown concludes. Phew...

Previous Entries:
(#36-33) (#32-29) (#28-25)
(#24-21) (#20-17) (#16-15)
(#14-13) (#12-11) (#10-9)
(#8-7) (#6-5) (#4)
(#3) (#2)

(#1) The Texas Chain Saw Massacre (1974)

"Who will survive? And what will be left of them?"

On August 18, 1973, John Laroquette narrated what could easily be the makings for the most somber episode of Night Court...

"The film which you are about to see is an account of a tragedy which befell a group of five youths, in particular Sally Hardesty and her invalid brother, Franklin. It is all the more tragic in that they were young. But, had they lived very, very long lives, they could not have expected nor would they have wished to see as much as the mad and macabre as they were to see that night. For them an idyllic summer afternoon drive became a nightmare. The events of that day were to lead to the discovery of one of the most bizarre crimes in the annals of American history, The Texas Chain Saw Massacre."

Sunbaked, moonlit macabre swirling about a chaotic Texas wasteland, Tobe Hooper's classic tale of, "An idyllic summer afternoon drive," remains just as nerve-jangling, frenzied and fantastic as the day of its release. No matter the countless times teens have run out of gas in remote backwoods locales, the seminal film loses none of its visionary grit and bloodcurdling cosmic cruelty.

A spider's web of calculated madness unmatched in its subtle artistry and ferociously grim worldview, The Texas Chain Saw Massacre's horoscopes, hitchhikers and highway roadkill all prophesize of overpowering cinematic doom. Pro-vegetarian postulating, post-Vietnam visionary, a satire of the American family, or exercise in unfiltered fear... It's all there in this deceptively simple slice-and-dice masterpiece. No house of horrors tale has felt as disturbingly realistic or easily grasping of such bone-dried dread. The elegant atmospheric build, manic sound design, fly-infested imagery, Marilyn Burns' hysteric screams from the very bowels of hell, and Leatherface's saw buzzing through to another sunrise... There are few films as harrowing, historic and utterly untouchable.

Both cinematic and documentary-like as we enter a crime scene just as it becomes one. Grating Franklin as he wheels, squeals, and finds permanent handicapped parking. Epic Final Girl, Sally Hardesty (Burns), as she screams and runs and screams and runs and screams and screams and screams... The score composed of eerie flash bulbs, crackling branches, scraping bone and scratched metal. The deep rumbles of percussion accompanying the impossibly scorching sunlight or the oppressive full moon. The Texas Chain Saw Massacre builds to a crescendo of hopeless hysteria that leaves one buzzing with enough doom and adrenaline to far outlast Leatherface's chainsaw. Decades later it's still a terrifying family portrait that leaves viewers traumatized, tenderized, and hung out to dry.

The Face of Fear:

Killer Looks:

1) Leatherface "Daywear"

2) Leatherface, Ladykiller

3) Another day at the office

4) The Cook
Mean BBQ... And just plain mean.

5) The Hitchhiker

"My family's always been in meat."

6) Grandpa
Alive and (involuntarily) kicking

7) Grandma
She never did talk much...

8) The Sawyer Family Pooch
"Dog will hunt." Unless, of course, he's hollow.

My Thoughts Exactly...
 

Something Rank (#2)

The countdown continues...


Previous Entries:
(#36-33) (#32-29) (#28-25)
(#24-21) (#20-17) (#16-15)
(#14-13) (#12-11) (#10-9)
(#8-7) (#6-5) (#4) (#3)

(#2) Halloween (1978)

"The Night HE Came Home..."

"The blackest eyes... The devil's eyes..." The eyes of an eight-year-old boy who saw to turning a holiday not for making profits but for making cuts. Who saw something more than pumpkins in need of being carved. A seasonal icon whose face is memorialized in shops across the country, in window displays, on mannequins, and under the heading "True Crime." How did Michael Myers have the foresight behind those alternatingly shallow and endless black eye sockets? To know he would become as crucial to seasonal carnage as the urban myth of the razor blade in the candy apple?


More of a "suburban" legend, Michael Myers' legacy has lingered like a madman in the shrubs. Simple family homicide that continues to tear his hometown to shreds. What began with a boy playing butcher knife in his sister's bedroom has evolved to Michael's "boogeyman"-level infamy. Was he ever really just a child or was it a mask all along?

John Carpenter's consummate chiller tingles with its equally iconic score, settling on a serene Americana as it settles into night. A surreal anniversary on neighborhood streets on the eve when, "Everyone's entitled to one good scare." Giggles of sugar-strung children streak through the Autumnal hues as a mental patient watches and waits, planning his trick. This time it's the horror genre's treat.


Like the holiday itself, John Carpenter's Halloween is all about the simple thrills. It's dressed up just enough to score all the goods. The seminal film uniquely pulses with tension as it leisurely stalks and stings its audience with a paranoia of the unknown in our own backyard. Atmosphere is essential to this otherwise simple story of stalk-and-slash, orchestrating what would become a terrifying brand name for suspense. Brainy/chaste babysitter Laurie Strode (the essential Jamie Lee Curtis) tends to the tots as they watch monster movies, unable to see the one building around her. Halloween effortlessly captures the palpable fear of shapes moving in the shadows, the raspy, heavy breaths on a telephone line, and the mysterious macabre of Midwest streets. With patience, persistence, and a passionate hatred for adolescents, Michael Myers transcended being just another small town horror story and became a historical horror icon. A face for the genre with simple, terrifying features.

The Face of Fear:

Killer Looks:

1) Michael Audrey Myers:
Haddonfield's own pride and killjoy

2) "Can't I get your ghost, Bob?"

3) William Shatner in the house

4) Face to... Face?

My Thoughts Exactly...

Up Next: (#1)

Catch "the buzz"...

Something Rank (#3)

The countdown continues...


Previous Entries:
(#36-33) (#32-29) (#28-25)
(#24-21) (#20-17) (#16-15)
(#14-13) (#12-11) (#10-9)
(#8-7) (#6-5) (#4)


(#3) A Nightmare on Elm Street (1984)

The shadows streak with the squeal of metal. A cloak of steam. The distant bleating from the lambs counted in slumber. Tearing into the light comes a claw clutched of razors, fashioned by skilled, burned hands. A brimmed hat hides a face glistening of wounds both fresh and ancient. In Dreams... he walks with you. In Dreams... he talks with you. In Dreams... you're His...


Freddy Kruger at his origin was a nightmare. Perhaps that's why he took so well to the surreal landscape of cinematic horror. Wes Craven's sleepless nights echo into the masses with A Nightmare on Elm Street and its dream demon conjured from the depths of hell and the high school boiler room. A story steeped in adolescent trauma passes it on to the public. A generational cycle of horror encompassed in its tale of a child murderer put to rest and the restless nights of soon-to-be-murdered children. A story of parents crimes revisited on their sleep-deprived children. A film about horrors of the playground via a horror film set in the playground of the mind... The mind of a child who's forced to be a parent through waking realities of divorce and alcoholism. A child with enough strength and smarts to wage war within her own subconscious.

And those special effects are nifty.

For more thoughts...

The Face of Fear:

Killer Looks:

1) Sandman Freddy Krueger.
No rest for the wicked...

2) Red Rover, Red Rover,
Send Freddy Right Over

3) Bad Boy to Hall Monitor

My Thoughts Exactly...

Up Next: (#2-1)

Midwest is Best for Mutilation

Something Rank (#4)

4 Fiends, 36 Feuds, Frequent Flaying

Previous Entries:
(#36-33) (#32-29) (#28-25)
(#24-21) (#20-17) (#16-15)
(#14-13) (#12-11) (#10-9)
(#8-7) (#6-5)

(#4) Wes Craven's New Nightmare (1994)

"Miss me?" - Freddy Krueger

Wes Craven's razor sharp return is a film-within-a-film-within-a-franchise. A meta horror exercise that directly recalls those halcyon days when we first met Freddy Krueger. Once a janitor spoken of only in hushed tones on the playground is now an icon spoken of with such high regard by his leading lady. A bedtime boogeyman having reached the heights of Santa Clause or King Kong.


Freddy Krueger has expanded beyond the dreams of Craven and into the nightmares of filmgoers across the decades. But with that revelation comes the knowledge that Freddy's grotesqueries have also become like a recurring dream. Some scares maybe, but we all saw it coming. Over the years the restless nights of Elm Street teens seemed more and more to the fault of a clumpy mattress. With a deviously clever device in mind, Craven strives to make the ultimate fanboy revival and finally put the series to slumber. Acknowledging its own historical horror legacy, fully embracing its fanbase, and bringing back its original cast -- as we know them now and as their iconic characters -- Wes Craven's New Nightmare goes through the looking glass of the original Nightmare film, through the ground glass of a fresh lens.

Heather Langenkamp plays Heather Langenkamp as she deals with her own hesitations of reviving Nightmare's original Final Girl, Nancy, and rejoining the grisly franchise now as a parent. Meanwhile, genre veteran Robert Englund digs his claws into Freddy both old and new. He paints himself as a reclusive LA painter and a freshly menacing Freddy that splatters Tinseltown blood red. John Saxon, too, returns to once again scowl on the sidelines -- supporting his co-star Heather, but disapproving still of his on-screen daughter, "Freddy Krueger. Yeah, right..." New Nightmare continually folds in on itself, shredding realities, leaving Freddy to rule the realms with his iron fist.


As Nightmare's ultimate creative force, Craven also folds himself into the film's many meta layers, preparing within the film a script for Freddy's final face-off. He speaks of writing Freddy throughout the years as, "Keeping the genie in the bottle." All the while the monster has surpassed its creator and is squeezing through the celluloid cracks into our "reality." The Craven within the film would be pleased to know he's written one of his most sophisticated screenplays, one that saw the self-referential suspense of Scream several years earlier. It's worth every bad dream he had.

With Wes Craven's New Nightmare we finally have a savvy satire of the Nightmare franchise, and an innovative horror film just the same. One that surprises and startles even as it embraces its tongue-in-cheek nature. Quite literally given Freddy's love for tongue action (he makes another dirty phone call and is rightfully tongue tied over the lovely Miss Langenkamp). It's also a unique spin on a classic fairy tale -- a morbidly modern variation on Hansel & Gretel. Think Ambien instead of bread crumbs, and a gothic, rotten candy house with a spacious oven. Freddy Krueger, like the child-hungry witch, is still a legend worthy of the playground. While Freddy may have overshadowed his master, Wes Craven's still a true master of horror.

The Face of Fear:

Killer Looks:

1) Freddy Krueger:
Post-surgery and pleased with his new look.

2) Robert Englund:
At home and at the office.

3) Swallowing the Heavens
4) Vomiting into Hell

My Thoughts Exactly...

Up Next: #3

The janitor cleans up after those damn, filthy kids...