The Face of Fear: Invaders from Mars (1986)

Obscure Beauty: Poltergeist (1982)

Something Rank (#1)

With this series I'll be counting down (rather counting up) the franchise fare of the four major celluloid boogeymen: Freddy Krueger, Jason Voorhees, Michael Myers, and everyone's favorite transvestite country bumpkin, Leatherface. From worst to best, a grand total of 36 films -- there's so much pleasure to be found in absolute disgust! Brace yourselves, it gets BAD before it gets sublime.

The countdown concludes. Phew...

Previous Entries:
(#36-33) (#32-29) (#28-25)
(#24-21) (#20-17) (#16-15)
(#14-13) (#12-11) (#10-9)
(#8-7) (#6-5) (#4)
(#3) (#2)

(#1) The Texas Chain Saw Massacre (1974)

"Who will survive? And what will be left of them?"

On August 18, 1973, John Laroquette narrated what could easily be the makings for the most somber episode of Night Court...

"The film which you are about to see is an account of a tragedy which befell a group of five youths, in particular Sally Hardesty and her invalid brother, Franklin. It is all the more tragic in that they were young. But, had they lived very, very long lives, they could not have expected nor would they have wished to see as much as the mad and macabre as they were to see that night. For them an idyllic summer afternoon drive became a nightmare. The events of that day were to lead to the discovery of one of the most bizarre crimes in the annals of American history, The Texas Chain Saw Massacre."

Sunbaked, moonlit macabre swirling about a chaotic Texas wasteland, Tobe Hooper's classic tale of, "An idyllic summer afternoon drive," remains just as nerve-jangling, frenzied and fantastic as the day of its release. No matter the countless times teens have run out of gas in remote backwoods locales, the seminal film loses none of its visionary grit and bloodcurdling cosmic cruelty.

A spider's web of calculated madness unmatched in its subtle artistry and ferociously grim worldview, The Texas Chain Saw Massacre's horoscopes, hitchhikers and highway roadkill all prophesize of overpowering cinematic doom. Pro-vegetarian postulating, post-Vietnam visionary, a satire of the American family, or exercise in unfiltered fear... It's all there in this deceptively simple slice-and-dice masterpiece. No house of horrors tale has felt as disturbingly realistic or easily grasping of such bone-dried dread. The elegant atmospheric build, manic sound design, fly-infested imagery, Marilyn Burns' hysteric screams from the very bowels of hell, and Leatherface's saw buzzing through to another sunrise... There are few films as harrowing, historic and utterly untouchable.

Both cinematic and documentary-like as we enter a crime scene just as it becomes one. Grating Franklin as he wheels, squeals, and finds permanent handicapped parking. Epic Final Girl, Sally Hardesty (Burns), as she screams and runs and screams and runs and screams and screams and screams... The score composed of eerie flash bulbs, crackling branches, scraping bone and scratched metal. The deep rumbles of percussion accompanying the impossibly scorching sunlight or the oppressive full moon. The Texas Chain Saw Massacre builds to a crescendo of hopeless hysteria that leaves one buzzing with enough doom and adrenaline to far outlast Leatherface's chainsaw. Decades later it's still a terrifying family portrait that leaves viewers traumatized, tenderized, and hung out to dry.

The Face of Fear:

Killer Looks:

1) Leatherface "Daywear"

2) Leatherface, Ladykiller

3) Another day at the office

4) The Cook
Mean BBQ... And just plain mean.

5) The Hitchhiker

"My family's always been in meat."

6) Grandpa
Alive and (involuntarily) kicking

7) Grandma
She never did talk much...

8) The Sawyer Family Pooch
"Dog will hunt." Unless, of course, he's hollow.

My Thoughts Exactly...
 

Something Rank (#8-7)

4 Fiends, 36 Films, Incessant Foul Play

Previous Entries:
(#36-33) (#32-29) (#28-25)
(#24-21) (#20-17) (#16-15)
(#14-13) (#12-11) (#10-9)

(#8) Friday the 13th Part 2 (1981)

Poor headless Pamela and her water-logged, wonky-eyed son. Her vengeance against the horny teens of Camp Crystal Lake lies dormant, much like her head that now rests on ornate display in Jason's backwoods shanty town. But Jason still has an axe to grind over what went down last year, amongst other weaponry like spears and a machete.

It's Jason's first Crystal Lake outing and first foray into his mom's line of work -- that being bloodthirsty vengeance. A new batch of fresh-faced fodder arrives just in time for Jason to rise from the waters, fashion a presentable pillowcase, and sadistically slaughter with the efficiency of an icon in the making. If Pamela Voorhees was good at her job, Jason took to the family business with more gusto and a much higher rate of productivity.

Steve Miner's sequel graciously matches that legacy with considerable suspense. Taking cues from master Mario Bava, Jason's mutilations are among the most memorable -- certainly twitching a few death nerves along the way. Miner's film feels like it's fumbling with some sort of story, rather than mere expectation, making this a fan-favorite and one of the more standalone, essential entries. Jason makes for a villain to rival his own mother and other cinema stalkers, with a notable brute force behind that bag-faced blank stare. No one is spared his mama's boy rage: couples penetrated during penetration, a wheelchair-bound hunk takes the stairs.... Perhaps the only one to come away scar-free is the camp slut's cutesy dog, ironically named Muffin.


Jason Voorhees is only just beginning, but it's a proper start thanks to a soulful survivor, Ginny (Amy Steel). A Final Girl finally worth the runtime, Amy Steel continues to be one of the brightest, most naturalistic of horror heroines. Her fear actually translates, her brains and brawn a winning combination. With this and April Fool's Day, Amy Steel gets the joke and deserves the "Scream Queen" seal of approval. Donning that uncomfortably thick blue sweater, she knows that to get into the mind of a killer she first has to tap into his uncomfortably awkward mother issues. Finally a Crystal Lake camp counselor who actually knows how to counsel, while also wielding a mean pitchfork.

The Face of Fear:

Killer Looks:

1) She's just a girl, standing in front of a boy,
asking him not to kill her.

2) The bag helps soak up all that excess lake water.

3) An episode of Hoarders
or coffee table conversation piece?

My Thoughts Exactly...

(#7) The Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2 (1986)

The original Texas Chain Saw Massacre is like a pressure cooker. It leaves viewers tenderized, traumatized and hungry for more. Tobe Hooper's sequel, however, is an unusually offbeat recipe that won't be to everyone's taste. The original's touches of black comedy take over, subtle dread becomes excessive disgust, and frightening villains mutate into comical sideshows. Overcooked perhaps, it's a singular style that Hooper creates with manic frenzy and morbid fun.

Drayton Sawyer's taken his BBQ business into the big time. Catering and cook-offs have finally put the Sawyer family on the map. It's an interesting business plan: their consumers are freely consuming other consumers. If Hooper's first film touched upon the American family in the desolate wake of Vietnam, this sequel sees that family thriving and following the American dream to some unsavory success. Hooper's commentary is complimented by the bizarre comic relief, but his take on the horrors in America's heartland is definitely less horrifying this time around.

Dennis Hopper's less of an easy rider these days, traveling across Texas distraught by the death of his nephew, Franklin. Hopper's only ties to catching the chainsaw-clutching clan of cannibals is local disc jockey, Stretch (Caroline Williams), who gets a more disturbing on-air call than if she were Dr. Laura. Rebel vigilante justice is the order of the day, but it leads Stretch unknowingly into the warped world of the Sawyer family and Leatherface's burgeoning libido.

Leatherface longs for the tender loins of our soft-spoken DJ in a move that makes him less a figure of menace than of mockery. The tonal shift is a wise choice on Hooper's part. He'll never be able to reach the heights of Chain Saw's terror, but he can certainly reach the depths of depravity. Hooper has his bloodthirsty brood taking refuge fittingly in a dismantled amusement park. Funnel cakes and bumper cars give way to headcheese and face-flaying -- a dark, disturbed playground for the criminally insane. While building on a tried and true formula, TCM2 takes to its moonlit chase and devious dinner scene with a new mood for the macabre. It's over-the-top with the shoddy grandeur of a big-top circus.

The Face of Fear:

Killer Looks:

1) Leatherface:
Just a misunderstood manchild.

2) Drayton Sawyer:
The best man in barbecue.
Not counting the men used to make the barbecue.

3) Rowdy war vet, Chop Top.

4) Grandpa Sawyer:
The best of the slaughterhouse,
the worst of dinner guests.

5) Grandma Sawyer:
The hand that rocks the chainsaw
is the hand that rules the world.

My Thoughts Exactly...

Up Next: #6-5

Laurie Strode and the terrible, horrible,
no good, very bad day.