Looking for Mr. Goodbar in Twin Peaks

Things have been getting too light around here, so let's talk about child abuse, shall we? In all dead seriousness I'd never seen Diane Keaton's slow descent into drugs and debauchery before this week. By Looking for Mr. Goodbar's expected yet bone-chilling end, I couldn't help but reminisce about the film's many mixed messages, how downright awesome Diane Keaton can be, how Richard Gere was fated to wear a jockstrap, and how David Lynch must have thought this story would be great for television.

Laura Palmer, meet Theresa Dunn. You two should talk.

Twin Peaks: Fire Walk With Me meets Looking For Mr. Goodbar

Warning: It gets dark, disturbing, and there will be SPOILERS!!

Laura helps others. She teaches Josie Packard in English, aids the handicapped son of Benjamin Horne, and she helps deliver for Meals on Wheels.

Theresa helps others. She teaches deaf children to speak and takes a special interest in a welfare student.

Laura's psychological issues stem from sexual abuse by her father.

Theresa's psychological issues stem from emotional and verbal abuse by her father and (as odd as it sounds and is in the film) the scoliosis he passed onto her.

Laura's father lectures her lifestyle by saying that she's dirty ("Did you get this from your lover? Did Bobby give you this or is there someone new?... Wash your hands!"). Her mom stands idly by and lights up another smoke.

Theresa's father lectures her lifestyle by saying that she's dirty ("You're too damn busy whoring around!"). Her mom stands idly by and slips a bible into her purse.

Laura acts out by seeking dangerous drug and sex-fueled encounters with strange men.

Theresa acts out by seeking dangerous drug and sex-fueled encounters with strange men.

Laura is murdered on a night of business with some of her nastiest clientele. She is stabbed to death by her father under a strobing white light.

Theresa is murdered the night of New Year's during a hookup with a self-loathing gay man, whom she takes home in avoidance of a man with connections to her father. She is stabbed to death under a strobing white light.

Finally, Laura and Theresa also parallel when both girls have mirrors placed in front them, each at very pivotal, perilous moments.

Now, if only to lighten the dismal mood, here's coked out Richard Gere doing push-ups in a jockstrap.

Auteur Update

Wong Kar Wai is back after the luscious yet lackluster My Blueberry Nights. His latest is a new-ish version of his 1994 epic, entitled Ashes of Time: Redux. The martial arts film stars all sorts of Hong Kong megastars and Kar Wai regulars such as Tony Leung Chiu Wai, Maggie Cheung, Leslie Cheung, Brigitte Lin and Carina Lau. Considering it's the only film of Kar Wai's I've yet to see, I'm pretty excited, and that's maximized by the usual dazzling visuals promised by the trailers. The Redux opens on October 10.

The most impressive, enticing (unfortunately oversized) trailer can be found here.

The least impressive, less enticing (fortunately small) trailer is right here:



Danish mastermind Lars von Trier is set to begin production in Germany on his horror film entitled Antichrist. Willem Dafoe and Charlotte Gainsbourg have just been cast in the film as a couple dealing with the death of their daughter in an isolated cabin in the woods (Bloody Disgusting). The film is said to be of the psychological thriller vein and yet you know things will inevitably get ultra-vicious in true von Trier style. This one can't come soon enough!

Revenge of the Retro Posters!

THE WEREWOLF VS.
VAMPIRE WOMAN

"See it with someone you hate."

Then treat them to some vintage wine perhaps.

Beyond the Valley of the Dolls

It's this German poster designer's happening

and it freaks me out!

BATWOMAN

Gotham's crime rate just increased dramatically!

OLYMPIC FEVER

Coach Rod goes for the gold!

Judging by that pose,

he deserves it.

--some posters found here.

Nobody Likes Your Well-Balanced Child

I feel like I'm an elderly person reminiscing about "the good old days" whenever I watch children's entertainment. I'm the opposite of parenting councils though, because my comments go something along the lines of "that's not even trippy," or "that puppet's not disturbing enough for anyone under six." Speaking to the parents of today, I warn that censoring kids' viewing habits is directly correlated to your child's lack of taste. Just look at the films targeted toward kids today... If anything in Harry Potter is scaring your children then they simply weren't raised properly.

Here are just a few kid flicks I can look back on with grateful nightmare nostalgia. Although now I'm wondering if the reason modern parents are so strict is very much because they were raised on movies like these...

Something Wicked This Way Comes (1983)
Ye old parades and carnivals are always fun... unless you're there being hunted! These kids are on the run from an evil carny with supernatural skills and he even places tarantulas in their beds! The lesson here, parents, is that children won't overcome their fears unless you first give them something to fear.


Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs (1937)
Never take candy from a stranger, even if it's dressed up in nutritional value.


Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory (1971)
I acknowledge that Johnny Depp channeling Michael Jackson is chilling, disturbing even, but the modern spin holds nothing to that psychedelic boat ride. It's baby's first acid trip!

There's no earthly way of knowing
Which direction we are going
There's no knowing where we're rowing
Or which way the river's flowing
Is it raining, is it snowing
Is a hurricane a-blowing
Not a speck of light is showing
So the danger must be growing
Are the fires of Hell a-glowing
Is the grisly reaper mowing
Yes, the danger must be growing
For the rowers keep on rowing
And they're certainly not showing
Any signs that they are slowing

Childhood terror is centipedes crawling as Gene Wilder sings a hushed foreboding tune under strobing colored lights, and the prospect of having to share your shanty with four crippled grandparents in a single bed.


Chitty Chitty Bang Bang (1968)
Dick Van Dyke sings and dances in his flying car. This guy steals children.


Return to Oz (1985)
The evil Mombi has a sizable closet to rival that of Carrie Bradshaw. Hers is notable more for its designer heads. Not only does she get her pick of hairstyle, she also gets the pick of cheekbones, eye color, and neck attachments. The original Oz had its unnerving flying monkeys and sinister bad sisters, but it also had gay lions and a magical Emerald City. This time Oz is rubble surrounded by quicksand, the merry people are headless, and the Emerald King doesn't want to help you get home as much as he wants to eat you.


The Witches (1990)
Bald women with wigs, purple eyes and stubby shoes that think all kids reek of feces... They're not only found on public transportation, they're all over England! Anjelica Houston rips her face off, little Luke's parents die in a wreck, Grandma's got diabetes, and the weekend you finally booked that posh hotel suite it's overrun by vermin and a business convention.


What beloved childhood films have caused your emotional scarring? And will the children of the future be remarkably happy or just lame?

"The Stare Down" with Nicole Kidman

Obscure Beauty: Velvet Goldmine (1998)

"It's funny how beautiful people look
when they're walking out the door."

The Horror... The Horror...

Horror is often viewed as a lesser genre by the film community, but the truth is that horror has always been capable of tackling issues in ways that other genres simply can't or wouldn't dare. Horror films needn't appeal to taste, nor stop short of digging the knife in where it really hurts. That's why this year's crop of horror releases seem just as topical as any one of the many dramas or documentaries on wartime and environmental distress. These films turn the current social terrors into celluloid trauma, and if they're any indication, we're in some very big trouble...


Guess Who's Coming to Dinner
A fear of unwanted guests, or company that overstays their welcome?

Bryan Bertino's The Strangers and Michael Haneke's retelling of Funny Games are brutal, bleak, and about as subtle as a hydrogen bomb. The terrifying reality of a home invasion is at the forefront of both films as cute couples venture to their secluded summer homes in search of some serenity...


The Strangers ties itself to the 70's era in tone and subject as Manson Family-like trio invade and slaughter a young couple without cause or purpose. The grim "story" takes a knowing throwback to the late Vietnam-era and parallels that with a more modern paranoia. "The Strangers" remove their masks before committing their heinous acts, and yet they remain faceless to the audience. They're clearly human and yet their only rationale for hacking up this specific couple is their chilling and vague pronouncement that it's "because you were home." There is no logic in the horror and no catharsis in defeat. This violence is permanent, ugly, and it shows no signs of stopping.


Funny Games takes this on as a direct thesis. Why are we even watching this sick film? Haneke too denies the audience any heroics or joyfully devious villains. His bad guys aren't your standard madman slashers hidden behind a spooky mask. Here they're just genteel golfers who want to borrow some eggs... with a side of social commentary mind you. This time the husband won't be saving the day, the kids aren't safe, and we can't just marvel at the showstopping scenes of gore. The upper class couple that finds themselves victim love listening to opera, they like to sail... This is their perfect pleasurable escape. They're even sheltered by their gated community and yet violence still finds a way in. Just like Haneke asks of the audience, it's time that this all American family face up to the grisly reality. In the real world, you can't just press rewind.

The Real World: Hell
This is the true story of seven strangers picked to live in a house, work together, and have their lives taped; to find out what happens when people stop being polite and start getting eaten.

George A. Romero's Diary of the Dead and Jaume Balaguero's [Rec] aren't exactly breaking new ground by using zombies to reflect the the horrors of humanity, especially since Romero invented the tactic back in the sixties. What they do offer are very up-to-the-minute reflections and quite literal dissections.


Romero's Diary of the Dead takes the undead into the internet era, where real world chaos can be uploaded and downloaded in mere seconds. He ponders explicitly how an epidemic such as a zombie outbreak would manifest itself in an age that's so technologically connected and yet so socially disconnected. Like Land of the Dead before it, Romero's attacking our culture with direct jabs at the Bush administration and a palpable sense of declining humanity. Where do we cross a line when it comes to the media onslaught, and what's really behind all this worldwide bloodshed?


[Rec] plays on themes of paranoia and the threat of biological warfare, when a television news crew is quarantined with the undead. While it doesn't offer the kind of direct commentary Romero's films do, [Rec] and perhaps even Cloverfield manage to address the influence of the media in the face of worldwide tragedy. Every horrific moment can be documented, and for the characters within, the act of documenting becomes their purpose for survival: they want to spread the message and the "truth" of the events to the public. The irony is, with so many different angles and so many different takes, where does the truth actually lie?

She's One Bad Mother
Nature's dealing some bad weed...

The ever emerging visibility of Earth's decay has become the center for several tales of terror, such as Carter Smith's The Ruins and M. Night Shyamalan's The Happening. We've done just about enough to destroy nature and now it's taking its turn... on us!


The Ruins tackles a pervasive sense of social paranoia and also an an age-old theme about the dangers of tampering with nature itself. The plants inside the ancient ruins have been forced to adapt. They feed off humans as much as the land; they mimic human voices and cell phone rings just to lure them in. This could all be cause of some ancient curse, but even that's adapting to the modern age. The Ruins places the environment at odds with its characters - they're fully under its control. Nature literally consumes them. After all, we all end up as fertilizer eventually.


The Happening is even more literal in how it places the environment at odds with the human race. Because of human interference, nature has no choice but to fight back. So killer shrubs might not seem so terrifying on film, but such an unexplainable shift in atmosphere might do the trick in our reality. Shyamalan all but says "Go Green!" Alas, driving a Prius ain't gonna cut it... We're at odds with our landscape and the very air we breathe.

So what's the next social subject ripe for terror, and what will the horror genre look like in 2009? When the new Jason Voorhees inevitably gets killed, will he be made of 100% recyclable material?

The Magic of Chris Lilley

I couldn't be more excited that HBO has been plundering even more from down under by picking up the Australian mockumentary series Summer Heights High, which is set to air this Fall. It's an outstanding move on their part, and a great companion piece to Flight of the Conchords. Coming from creator/writer/character actor Chris Lilley, the eight-episode series is absolutely hysterical, and here's hoping an American success could spawn a second series or further outings from this supremely underrated talent.

"Look, Jordan. Who am I? Mom."

Chris Lilley first got notice in Australia with his initial mockumentary series, the equally brilliant and essential We Can Be Heroes: Finding the Australian of the Year. That series, like Summer Heights High, has Lilley himself disguised flawlessly within each of the offensive, pathetic and lovable characters as the camera documents their every unpleasant moment. The Office popularized the format, but Lilley's shows owe even more to the work of Christopher Guest. His influence is especially felt in Lilley's Corkey St. Clair-like Mr. G, a charismatic drama teacher with lofty aspirations for his musical based on a popular student's lethal overdose. There is a uniting link between both of the series in a character named Ja'mie King. Potentially my favorite of Lilley's characterizations, Ja'mie is the rich bitch at the private Hillford Girls Grammar who's always taking up a good cause -- such as collecting Sudanese refugees in order to win awards and be photographed while looking hot.

"Get heaps of photos, okay? Especially if I cry.... Can you, like, turn around and be, like, clinging at the fence, like you're trying to get out?"

Throughout both series there's a nice mixture of the crude and carefully sentimental. Chris Lilley's not above having a Down Syndrome child lip-sync and dance to a song called 'Naughty Girl,' nor is he below giving a heartfelt sendoff to each of his wonderful characters. I'm convinced he'll find a ground-swell of American fans once the show airs -- beyond those like myself who've already scoured the net for anything and everything the man has touched. After checking out Ja'mie in these clips from We Can Be Heroes, you might find yourself doing the very same... Seriously. D'ya know what I mean?

(another brilliant clip here)

An Ode to Educators

As students return to their classes, I'm reminded of something Angela Chase once so chastely pondered: "It's so weird that teachers actually, like, live places."

When you're in high school, it's easy to lose respect for any adult figure, but teachers always seemed to bring it on themselves. I've had my personal share: the teacher who vomited into his trash bin, the otherwise hot teacher with the wet pants crack, the teacher in daily pink swim shoes, and the teacher who stormed out crying "you're awful, just awful!"

But you've got to respect teachers on film. They've got to be ready to inspire or degrade their classes, like, on the spot. Robin Williams taught us how to seize the day and Michelle Pfeiffer taught us that if you answer questions correctly you'll get candy bars and class trips to the roller coaster!

If I were to whip my (nonexistent) kids into shape, this is the faculty on my roster.

World Affairs:

Kitano (Battle Royale)

Some teachers might educate you on friendship and brotherhood, others teach you not to fuck around! No time outs with this guy, no being sent to the principal's office. You pull a knife on him, it's off to a deserted island in a dog collar and you'll either kill yourself or someone you love. No one denies that he's preparing his students for the hard road ahead, the next 48 hours even. Though he no doubt exposes a soft side with his love of classical music and cookies.

Social Studies:
Dan Dunne (Half Nelson)

What an inspiring downfall, am I right? This teacher reminds everyone of civil rights, teaches girls sports teams, looks sexy, and does it all while drugged out of his fucking skull. Don't doubt the man's gifts. He can inspire a classroom and pass out at your coffee table in his briefs. Still, he's welcome anytime.

Guidance Counseling:
Sam Lombardo (Wild Things)

He might not be "responsible," but damn if he's not charming and tasty for a guidance counselor. I'd have definitely tried attaining an emotional disorder if I'd have gone to Blue Bay High, or even now, would instill one upon my child.


So while he may bang his students, and would probably turn on you, he knows sailing and supports school fundraisers. Such is the very nature of the student-run home car wash that it end in drug addled threeways and dog collar photoshoots. Those rape accusations are nobody's fault really.

The Headmistress:
Mrs. Appleyard (Picnic at Hanging Rock)

Her hairstyle alone hides more secrets than that schoolgirl swallowing rock, but she does turn potential harlots into prim and proper ladies. She seems a little harsh on the lesbian students, but then we all know where that's coming from in her case. Besides, Miss Appleyard does know and love her poetry, as long it's the classics, and her kids WILL learn it line by line. As long as you're paid up, your daughters will be as elegant and repressed as possible.

Sex Education:
Professor Humphrey (The Meaning of Life)

It's ridiculous this idea of Abstinence-only education. Professor Humphrey proves the worth of watching your sex-ed teacher fuck his wife on a four post bed directly in front of a lecture class. The kids will be slightly scarred thus you won't have to have those awkward talks.

"Yes. Good. Nibbling the earlobe, uhh, kneading the buttocks, and so on and so forth. So, we have all these possibilities before we stampede towards the clitoris, Watson."

Drama:
Ben Woodward (Sleeping with the Enemy)

He's so cute, just imagine him with a nice haircut and a shave. Not only does he have a passion for teaching kids drama, he sets up elaborate dress up dates, makes apple pies and knows West Side Story by heart. Yes, once he comes to terms and drops the battered wife, I'm happily picking up the pieces.

Special Tutoring:
Johnny Smith (The Dead Zone)

He might creep the kids out, worse so with his visions of impending doom, but the fact remains he's good to have around in a bad situation you may not even see coming. He's actually quite sweet and loves his work. Even his assassination attempts are with the best of intentions, really.

Substitute Teaching:
Detective John Kimble (Kindergarten Cop)

Can you imagine having Arnold Schwarzenegger as your kindergarten teacher? Your kids' speech patterns might be a bit wonky but they WILL be in shape.


Can you imagine what that boy thought upon watching his kindergarten teacher hook up with his mom and then have a shootout with his absentee father, all in the school bathroom? Meh, he's still young. Kimble's a cop AND he teaches kindergarten! He'd also be a great date to any Republican fundraiser.

Physical Education:
Miss Collins (Carrie)

Woody Allen might have been right about this in most cases: "Those who can't do, teach. And those who can't teach, teach gym." He obviously never had Miss Collins. Oh she'll smack you, but she's got a heart of gold.

Not only does Miss Collins teach a belief in inner beauty, she takes an invested interest in her students. She'll hug you... as long as you learn to speak when it's appropriate!

"One more word out of you and I'm gonna knock you down! Do you understand me?"

And you should know better than to chew gum in class...

"You can choke on it for all I care, just get it out of your mouth."

She brings the guilt trip like a good teacher should and she gets repaid by nearly being split in two. It's a thankless job, teaching.

After School Sports:
Kung Fu Professor (Pieces)

He attacks even the faculty by night, but one only need blame the "chop suey." This just proves that his devotion to his craft extends beyond the work week. The campus is probably safer because of him... yet excluding him.

I could not find a photo online. That's how stealthy this man is.

Music:
Erika Kohut (The Piano Teacher)

I'm sure I'm not alone in thinking that at least a couple of my teachers were partaking in some dirty secret life upon leaving the grounds at 3pm. Turns out I was right! This one even goes to jackoff booths and fearlessly helps herself to a waste bin hankie. I don't have the courage to do that, and hopefully you don't either. Music is about dedication and that's that.