Tuesday, May 10, 2011

I'll Always Know What I Did This Summer...

... Which is to say, I wasted it. Weighted it down and sunk it into the ocean with its last breath while watching this series' devolution from slasher staple to strange crossbreed CW series of Scooby Doo. I'll Always Know why it took me this long to actually watch this sequel. I'll Never Quite Know why I wanted to in the first place. It's the kind of sticktoitiveness rarely seen outside of fisherman prepping for annual Fourth of July slaughter.

But I really don't possess the ability to waste any more time than this film already has. I'm inspired by its unique blend of boredom and Attention Deficit Disorder.

Random Things I'll Always Know...
I'll Always Know What You Did Last Summer

1) I'm charmed/wary of any credits in spooooky font.

2) David Checel is apparently a method editor. So devoted to his craft, he took an actual rusty hook to the film print. It's MTV-ready with flash montages and its cast walking arm-in-arm Network-promo style.

3) I'll give any film credit where credit is due.

Insert shots! Lovely. Legitimate atmosphere happens when you least suspect it, and when you're careful not to blink during another flash-cut montage.

4) The Gist: A legend of a killer with a hook for a hand, intense carnival footage, a skateboarding accident with a man dressed in rain gear, nonsensical ties to preceding films, close. As CHARACTER MODEL #421 explains, "The Fisherman. Every Fourth of July he gets out his hat and slicker, he sharpens up his hook… Runs wild.” A legacy for the ages.

And sparing us actual flashback footage, CHARACTER MODEL #421 details, "We all thought it was a big hoax, but it turns out to be based on a real guy. Fourth of July, this guy goes crazy and kills a bunch of kids in this little fishing town. Supposedly it was some kind of revenge. A year later he goes after them again, on some island in the Caribbean... They were all stalked for a few days before July 4th."

More of the same! Now with a hyperactive shrug!

5) What does killer fisherman Ben Willis do the other 51 weeks out of the year? Why scrapbooking of course.

And while Ben was once equally regarded for his killer penmanship, even he's evolved to the texting age.

Even stranger that those texts were actually sent by a gh-gh-gh-GHOST! ...Not the barn party invite. Seriously, Kim? WTF 4RLZ FML

Ben Willis continues making fishsticks out of hapless teens... from beyond the grave! He's also gotten soggy and bloodshot. He'd fit right in with the Elizabeth Dane crew over in Antonio Bay.

We've seen Ben lose his sister and son sometime around becoming an employee at the Tower Bay Bahamas resort, sometime before becoming a cautionary killer, sometime before becoming roadkill. And sometime before deciding that Fourth of July is a great day to celebrate America by murdering just a small portion of it.

6) Ben Willis: legend of folklore and harbinger of horseplay at the pool.

He's like Candyman gone sour... and straight-to-DVD for a damn good reason.