Obscure Beauty: Valerie and Her Week of Wonders (1970)

A gorgeous movie mixture of the surrealism of Alice in Wonderland, the sexually-tinged spectacle of Federico Fellini, the wicked and fantastical dreamscape of The Wizard of Oz, and the more heady horror leanings of The Company of Wolves (1984), Lemora: A Child's Tale of the Supernatural (1973) and Innocence (2004).

Also, the scariest villain to ever sport a cute dog and handfan!

I would have been utterly TERRIFIED of this fiend as a child, much like a sinister combination of my fear for the Wicked Witch of the West and that damn child snatcher from Chitty Chitty Bang Bang. Ahh, those innocent days... long since corrupted by movies much like this one.

Obscure Beauty: The Lickerish Quartet (1970)

Obscure Beauty: Venus in Furs (1969)

Another stellar slice of Italian pop sexploitation with another truly awesome soundtrack! And this time the surreal flow might actually be worthy of being called 'Lynchian' -- and not just what people refer to as 'Lynchian' meaning it confused them, weirded them out, or had ominous rumbles on the soundtrack. There's something more... familiar.

I actually had no idea Venus in Furs carried so many distinct thematic and stylistic ties to David Lynch's own Lost Highway. As a fan, it's pretty remarkable. I haven't done the research, but I've no doubt someone out there has written a beautiful essay on the subject. Although you wouldn't be be able to tell from these stills, it follows Highway's startling fusion of sex, jazz and dual personas at the vanishing intersection of reality and dreams, life and death. There's even the requisite creep and "Mystery Man," played by the dependably creepy and mysterious Klaus Kinski. Either it was a major Lynch-influence, or it's a film he'd totally get a kick out of. Hell, it even kicks off its big mystery with a dead body washed ashore - that of a beautiful blonde "filled with secrets." Fans of Lynch - but Lost Highway in particular - should definitely check it out (and please, share your thoughts!). Although unlike Laura Palmer, this woman wouldn't be caught dead "wrapped in plastic," only in the most exquisite of furs.

Solamente Nero

Goes without saying that Italian horror films love exploiting beautiful topless women. Nobody does it better and with more cinematic flair. People often criticize them for their focus on the violence exacted upon those same beautiful women, but there's something I find far more troubling and one-sided when it comes to their sexual politics...

There are NO beautiful topless men in these things! Smoldering hot genre regulars like Franco Nero, Jean Sorel or Urbano Barberini, constantly in the heat of solving or committing crimes, are left to sweat under seemingly insurmountable layers of clothing, while the ladies can't seem to progress beyond a sheer nightie, no matter their pursuits. Sexism, indeed.

But it was my own sexist sixth sense for finding gratuitous man flesh that led me to 1966's The Third Eye -- a semi-obscure film about a boy who's best friend is his mother and hence his hobbies include taxidermy and possible necrophilia. It's something akin to Psycho Italian-style. Stylish and sordid as it is, The Third Eye follows a familiar path, but it does do one rare, important thing unquestionably right...  It treats Franco Nero like the beautiful sex object that he is.

The image above isn't actually taken from The Third Eye, but taken instead from some kindred spirit through Google image search. But it does capture what I imagine it to look like if I were ever to direct a film starring Franco Nero... Because I'm all about gender equality, and moreso, vulgar exploitation.

I fully intend to exploit shirtless pics this rare gift to unsuspecting fans of Italian horror and Franco-philes. For the sake of Italian cinema sexual politics and the Google image search engine!