Thursday, May 1, 2008

Raping the Dead: Volume 2

or: How to get blood stains off your ceiling. The ranting on remakes continues....

A Nightmare on Elm Street (2010?)

  • Freddy will be played by an up-and-coming pretty boy and his burn wounds will be replaced by cosmetic scars. Freddy will no longer be a murderous janitor and pedophile, but instead a misunderstood, and HOT, biology teacher whose classroom experiments go sadly awry; thus leaving him both vengeful and only slightly less hot.
  • Instead of Nancy being intelligent, forthright and brave, well... she'll still be played by a teenager, and a girl. Only this time that sexy librarian innocence will be entirely due to her awkward glasses and not her ability to have a valuable thought (see: Laurie Strode in Rob Zombie's Halloween).
  • The bits with Freddy emerging through the bedroom wall, Tina dragged in the body bag, and Johnny Depp as a geyser of blood, are some of those rare and supremely chilling images in horror cinema. This new version has a scene where a cat jumps out from, like, nowhere!
  • Johnny Depp cameos as a narcoleptic teacher who happens to divulge every useful detail of Freddy's backstory, right before he drifts off to sleep...

  • Wes Craven may get some due respect again. The last film in the Nightmare franchise (who's counting Freddy vs. Jason really) was the deliciously clever and undervalued Wes Craven's New Nightmare. It wasn't all that long ago really that Wes rode the Scream train to success, but hopefully he'll be able to get more of his original productions off the ground. Then again, for every Scream we have a Cursed. Yet who could live in a world without the admirably stupid Hills Have Eyes: Part II?
  • Technical effects have vastly improved since the original film's release. That could mean a lot for those elaborate and terrifying dream sequences. It could also mean no rubber Mom mannequins being pulled through six inch windows. On second thought, this should have gone under downsides.
  • The original ending kind of sucks. Not to the point that it derails any early strong points, but even Craven himself was dissatisfied. Things could change. This time I envision Nancy rescuing a child for some reason (remakes love to up the child quotient), battling Freddy with her newfound telekinetic abilities (remakes love to up the effects sequences), or being hauled off to a nut house, only to have the crazy wagon be driven by Freddy himself (remakes love to up the shitty and obvious).

I hope they keep:
  • Nancy's mom hiding liquor. EVERYWHERE.
  • Ambulance Assistant: We don't need a stretcher in there. We need a mop!
  • Rod: Hey, up yours with a twirling lawnmower!

Hellraiser (2009)

  • No tears please. Why waste good suffering when you can save it for the theatre?
  • One truly good Hellraiser film exists, another that you might be able to defend, and like eight others that you can turn past on the Sci-Fi Channel if you want to catch Doug Bradley looking bored. Also, are the studios back on the PG-13 target? That's pain and no pleasure.
  • A renewed success for the franchise could mean some fucking scary leather getups come Halloween.

  • Clive Barker's source story is just twisted enough on its own to guarantee some general weirdness. Puzzle boxes and bondage-clad lust demons are the makings for interesting films... excluding any of the other Hellraiser films of course.
  • Barker's 4,000 other projects currently in development hell might get the go ahead. How has he not been more prolific in film with such a grim, unforgettable debut and Candyman?

I hope they keep:
  • The Chatterer. My choice for the Cenobite I'd be most scared to meet in person, and that's a high credit.
  • Frank (bound and bloody): Je-sus wept... (followed by sinister laughter and ripping flesh)
  • Frank (to Kristy, while wearing her father's face): Come to daddy!
  • Homeless people are actually ancient winged demons. Who knew?

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