Terms of Endearment: Advice to the Lovelorn and Lovestruck

Rated TV-MA for Strong Language, Sexuality and Adult Content.

So strange... what love does.

Repeat after me:

For the modern lover, a quick serenade:
"I'll poop in your butthole and then you will poop it back into my butt, and we will keep doing it back and forth with the same poop. Forever."

))<>((

-Me and You and Everyone We Know

For the first chance encounter:

Love Interest: "This ain't no welfare line."

You: "Then what are you standing in it for?"

-Beyond the Valley of the Dolls

For the "first time":
"I'm looking at your face and I just want to smash it. I just want to fucking smash it with a sledghammer and squeeze it, you're so pretty..."

or

"I want to chew your face and I want to scoop out your eyes and I want to eat them and chew them and suck on them."

-Punch Drunk Love

Just a sweet nothing:
"Every piece of trash I had to pick up reminded me of you. An old candy wrapper made me think of how sweet you are. A snotty Kleenex made me realize how much I'd cry if we ever had to part. An old rubber made think of all the nights of Eros we have before us."

or

"I masturbated fourteen times last night just thinking of you. And when I finally did fall asleep my dreams were not exactly dry. Take me now (insert name here). Take me in front of the whole town!"

-Desperate Living

For happy endings:
"I'll take a bite out of your cheek and I'll shit you out."

-Buffalo '66

Life Lessons: Welcome to the Dollhouse (1995)

Dawn Wiener: Dignity. Dignity is an important quality everyone should have. That way you will never grade grub. Grade grubbing is bad because it means you're asking for a grade you shouldn't get. Because if you got it, it wouldn't be fair to everyone who didn't grade grub. It doesn't matter whether you're a boy or girl, man or a child, rich or poor, fat or thin... You should never be a grade grubber. Therefore dignity is a quality everyone should have. Thank you.

You Burn When You Dance!

5 Reasons
NOMI MALONE
is... More Evolved Than Me...

(Apologies. The beauty of Elizabeth Berkley's performance is not able to be captured in still form. Her highly trained spastic intensity just will not translate.)

1) Nomi can take care of herself, and for that she carries a blade. She also knows when to hold strong, such as when faced with listening to Garth Brooks on a road trip.




2) Nomi doesn't worry, she knows how to vent her anger. Why let things bother you? Things like traffic. She expels her frustration by using that open hatred of cars.



3) Nomi can eat a whole bag of potato chips in one sitting, easy. To this girl, a meal's a meal. She's no snob, she's done doggie chow in a slump. (Even in her artful "self-moment" montage she's gorging!)



4) Nomi treats everything in life like a dance. Even littering.

5) Nomi's knows when an apology is due, like when you set up your only friend with a rapist.

And other life lessons...

Even the rich and handsome are awkward when it comes to foreplay.

A winning attitude pays off.



Dancing IS fucking.

Life Lessons: Reality Bites (1994)

Charlane: Times are hard. You're just gonna have to swallow your pride. Why don't you get a job at the Burgerrama? They'll hire you! My Lord, I saw on the TV, they had this little retarded boy working the cash register.

Lelaina: Because I'm not retarded, Mom. I was Valedictorian of my University!

Wes: Well, you don't have to put that on your application.

Life Lessons: The Ice Storm (1997)

Mikey Carver: Molecules. Because of molecules we are connected to the outside world from our bodies. Like when you smell things. Because when you smell a smell, it's not really a smell, it's part of the object that has come off of it: Molecules. So when you smell something bad, it's like in a way you're eating it. This is why you should not really smell things, in the way that you don't eat everything in the world around you. Because as a smell, it gets inside of you. So the next time you go into the bathroom after someone else has been there, remember what kind of molecules you are in fact eating.

Life Lessons: Margot at the Wedding (2007)

Claude: Did she poop in her pants?

Margot: It happens to everyone, not just babies. It'll happen to you too someday.