Obscure Beauty: Crash (1996)

"Maybe the next one, darling...
Maybe the next one."

When there's no more room in hell, the dead will blog...

When I finally sat down to watch George A. Romero's recent zombie opus, Diary of the Dead, I had the momentary sensation I'd turned on an episode of quarterlife instead. Only this week's episode seemed suspiciously less dour.


Yes, the man who all but gave birth to the undead (creepy image, right?) has now brought his creations into the modern age. Once they've evolved to using weaponry, can myspace be far behind? These are the very current and legitimate questions Romero tends to comment on with his commentative social commentary. That's a lot of commenting you might say, but you obviously haven't been hanging around film students on an RV, videotaping the world's collapse by the walking dead, now have you?

Night of the Living Dead, Dawn of the Dead, Day of the Dead... all startlingly intelligent, gruesome films that serve as great reflections of their times, while still remaining relevant today. These film students speak overt politics about the war on terror, about skewed media perceptions, and the desire to have a voice of truth in the present flood of voices. That's all well and good, can't we all relate... But imagine what it would have been like if our favorite foursome had gone into Monroeville Mall back in 1978 and said, "the dead are gathering here as a representation of our absurd consumer culture. Why it's almost like we're not that different from the dead ourselves... I guess we should head home then?"

Romero's commentary has never been on the subtle side and it was always shaded between action sequences, tension and comedy, enough to make the package almost remarkably thoughtful and entertaining. Diary attempts this, but every action must be labeled. Blunt head trauma becomes blunt head trauma. The varying viewpoints and verbose characters don't make one think about truth or the current social climate, because one needn't think when there's a literate professor, a world-weary narrator, and five people shouting off camera.


How's the gore? Well it's decent, explicit, and works on the admirable low budget, but it's not the gut-munching slaughterhouse one might expect of a film meant to reflect the savage modern times. It's all a bit lifeless, ironically, and this is a movie with a pool of zombies! It's just not right. Romero's a gifted man, but he's already given so much to the undead community, can't he dabble elsewhere?

(Anyone else want to see this movie narrated by Daniel Stern, ala. The Wonder Years?)

Raping the Dead: Volume 2

or: How to get blood stains off your ceiling. The ranting on remakes continues....

A Nightmare on Elm Street (2010?)

Downsides:

• Freddy will be played by an up-and-coming pretty boy and his burn wounds will be replaced by cosmetic scars. Freddy will no longer be a murderous janitor and pedophile, but instead a misunderstood, and HOT, biology teacher whose classroom experiments go sadly awry; thus leaving him both vengeful and only slightly less hot.
• Instead of Nancy being intelligent, forthright and brave, well... she'll still be played by a teenager, and a girl. Only this time that sexy librarian innocence will be entirely due to her awkward glasses and not her ability to have a valuable thought (see: Laurie Strode in Rob Zombie's Halloween).
• The bits with Freddy emerging through the bedroom wall, Tina dragged in the body bag, and Johnny Depp as a geyser of blood, are some of those rare and supremely chilling images in horror cinema. This new version has a scene where a cat jumps out from, like, nowhere!
  
• Johnny Depp cameos as a narcoleptic teacher who happens to divulge every useful detail of Freddy's backstory, right before he drifts off to sleep...

Upsides:

• Wes Craven may get some due respect again. The last film in the Nightmare franchise (who's counting Freddy vs. Jason really) was the deliciously clever and undervalued Wes Craven's New Nightmare. It wasn't all that long ago really that Wes rode the Scream train to success, but hopefully he'll be able to get more of his original productions off the ground. Then again, for every Scream we have a Cursed. Yet who could live in a world without the admirably stupid Hills Have Eyes: Part II?
• Technical effects have vastly improved since the original film's release. That could mean a lot for those elaborate and terrifying dream sequences. It could also mean no rubber Mom mannequins being pulled through six inch windows. On second thought, this should have gone under downsides.
• The original ending kind of sucks. Not to the point that it derails any early strong points, but even Craven himself was dissatisfied. Things could change. This time I envision Nancy rescuing a child for some reason (remakes love to up the child quotient), battling Freddy with her newfound telekinetic abilities (remakes love to up the effects sequences), or being hauled off to a nut house, only to have the crazy wagon be driven by Freddy himself (remakes love to up the shitty and obvious).

I hope they keep:

• Nancy's mom hiding liquor. EVERYWHERE.
• Ambulance Assistant: We don't need a stretcher in there. We need a mop!
• Rod: Hey, up yours with a twirling lawnmower!

Hellraiser (2009)

Downsides:

• No tears please. Why waste good suffering when you can save it for the theatre?
• One truly good Hellraiser film exists, another that you might be able to defend, and like eight others that you can turn past on the Sci-Fi Channel if you want to catch Doug Bradley looking bored. Also, are the studios back on the PG-13 target? That's pain and no pleasure.
• A renewed success for the franchise could mean some fucking scary leather getups come Halloween.

Upsides:

• Clive Barker's source story is just twisted enough on its own to guarantee some general weirdness. Puzzle boxes and bondage-clad lust demons are the makings for interesting films... excluding any of the other Hellraiser films of course.
• Barker's 4,000 other projects currently in development hell might get the go ahead. How has he not been more prolific in film with such a grim, unforgettable debut and Candyman?
  

I hope they keep:

• The Chatterer. My choice for the Cenobite I'd be most scared to meet in person, and that's a high credit.
• Frank (bound and bloody): Je-sus wept... (followed by sinister laughter and ripping flesh)
• Frank (to Kristy, while wearing her father's face): Come to daddy!
• Homeless people are actually ancient winged demons. Who knew?

Quotable: Flirting with Disaster (1996)

"You are NOT B&B people!"

Obscure Beauty: David Lynch

"Faster and faster... And for a long time you wouldn't feel anything... Then you'd BURST into fire... Forever."

It got you where you are today.

These are just some of the things people put into the Google search engine that led them here:

"alyssa milano scoring"

"is coach schneider gay?"

"club dead and rape"

"michelle pfeiffer waxwork"

"her father was rouging her young nipples"

Please end up here in more disturbing ways in the future so that this can become a regular feature.

(I'd also like to say that some people need to learn how to search properly to get narrower results. Alyssa Milano might be athletic, and where will that leave you but with empty hands?)

Quotable: Heavenly Creatures (1994)

"All the best people have bad chests and bone diseases. It's all frightfully romantic!"

Life Lessons: Reality Bites (1994)

Charlane: Times are hard. You're just gonna have to swallow your pride. Why don't you get a job at the Burgerrama? They'll hire you! My Lord, I saw on the TV, they had this little retarded boy working the cash register.

Lelaina: Because I'm not retarded, Mom. I was Valedictorian of my University!

Wes: Well, you don't have to put that on your application.

Raping the Dead: Volume 1

Dirty headline, Dirtier deeds.

So many horror remakes... It's enough to make you want to steal a child's homework, strip it of its substance, and cash it in for a $20 million opening weekend! By this time next year we'll be seeing Prom Night 2, probably sans the Hello Mary Lou... Tragic.

Who knew the 80's was such an innocent time after all? Poltergeist earned a solid PG back in its day and we got face ripping, homicidal clowns AND parents toking up on their personal stash! Things have changed, and it makes me want to cry or, god, even harpoon a CW starlet.

These are the latest classics on the chopping block, and my perceptions of what they may offer come their time to pollute the box office.

Note: I'm not anti-remake entirely. Give me The Thing, but you can keep Black X-Mas, Glen Morgan, and whichever studio exec pulled that one out of your drain.

VOLUME 1

Friday the 13th (2008)

Downsides:

• Mama better get a move on. Mrs. Voorhees doesn't even have the entire runtime! Jason's making his masked appearance right away in this revamp. Does this mean no big blue sweaters and schizo "kill her, mommy" monologues? A mother needs time to avenge!
• This success could mean we'll be getting nine more sequels (and spinoffs) of descending coherence, and that's considering this first outing has very small odds of being coherent itself.
• Defenders of director Marcus Nispel's other remake, The Texas Chainsaw Massacre, can credit it with the occasional grimy tension. But mentioning it in the same breath as Tobe Hooper's masterpiece? It's like complimenting my shoes while you shank me in the face.
  

Upsides:

• Jason's not scary. Never was and never will be. Well, maybe when he wore a bag on his head and took cues from Mario Bava. Truthfully, the "mongoloid maniac" is always at his best when he appears out of nowhere... which is exactly where you know he is. This movie could seriously reinvent Jason! It won't, but it could.
• Jason's back on Crystal Lake turf. No more trips between the moon and New York City. He knows his ground, and knows not to fuck around...

I hope they keep:

• Annie (to the Gas Station Dog): Hey girl! (looks down and laughs) Excuse me... hey BOY!
• Crazy Ralph (still on his loony bike): I'm a messenger of God. You're doomed if you stay here!
• Officer Dorf: What, you just get off a spaceship or something? Come on... Columbian gold, man! Hash, the grass, the weed, dig it?

Rosemary's Baby (2010?)

Downsides:

• Everything. But we will probably get to see Rosemary's actual baby this time around! It will be computer generated and voiced by Miley Cyrus. What was Roman Polanski thinking by leaving things to the imagination? He clearly didn't direct enough music videos.
• No Mia Farrow or Ruth Gordon, but Jessica Alba's in because she knows someone in craft service.
  

Upsides:

• No apartment can compete with The Bramford, but there's plenty of potential for creepy locales. Not to mention creepy neighbors and their chocolate "mouse."
• New fans will discover the original classic, confused by this version's choice to give the devil-baby voiceovers ala. Look Who's Talking.

I hope they keep:

• Old people sex orgies.
• Minnie Castevet (on her pregnancy cocktail): Snips and snails and puppy dogs' tails!
• Guy Woodhouse (on unconscious rape): It was kinda fun in a necrophile sort of way.
  

Obscure Beauty: Pedro Almodóvar

The Viva Pedro box set has cost me time, money and friends. It's worth losing all of them.

Picture montages are fun!

(And an excuse to remain uninspired and pillage other people's work!)



These captures are from the opening to Dario Argento's whacked-out fantasy-horror classic Phenomena, also known as Creepers.

I love this opening, one of the best in Argento's career, and one of the best locales he's had to work with. And I love this film.

It stars lil' Jennifer Connelly, pre-Labyrinth, before her dedication to playing characters on the verge of killing themselves. She plays Jennifer Corvino, an insect-schmoozing school girl who just happens to be sent to the school girl murder capital of Switzerland --the Swiss Transylvania! Donald 'Dr. Loomis' Pleasance is her older (but not in a weird way) entomologist friend who helps her get in touch with her own telekinetic bug powers so she can overcome bouts of sleepwalking, do battle with a mutant child dwarf, and befriend a chimpanzee!

It can be as moody as it is incoherent. Bat-shit crazy nonsense with awesome atmosphere, so goes my love for Argento.

Did I mention that I love this film?

Quotable: The Opposite of Sex (1998)

"My mother was the kind of mother who always said she was her daughter's best friend. Whenever she did, I thought, "Great! Not only do I have a shitty mother, but my best friend's a loser bitch!'"

If loving you is wrong, I don't want to be right!

Ahh, the pleasures of guilty pleasures... Poison Ivy is just enough daddy-stealin', lesbian-lovin', body-doublin', creepy eroticism to be one. I discovered it as a kid on late night television -- edited but sleazy on TNT -- back when TNT used to air good trash cinema, not just the high profit garbage cinema they air now. Honestly though, how would anyone have found The Shawshank Redemption without them?


Poison Ivy caught Drew Barrymore at the peak age to not show the goods, so it's all skeevy Tom Skerritt and that (probably lovely) anonymous woman's tits. But that SCORE! It's sultry from the opening credits, it's courtesy of David Michael Frank, and it sounds like what late night TV should sound like. It lets you know things are heating up for those truly great bits. The bits where the naughty Lolita, known only as Ivy -- as named by the tattoo on her upper thigh -- sways the hubby to go down on her in front of his unconscious wife, while wearing the wife's best dress no less! Those bits.

It's pulpy, constantly amusing, and dare I say... kind of thoughtful? It's got Sara Gilbert as Darlene Connor as a bi-curious loner, tire swings, teen-to-dog standoffs, car accidents, pill-popping, fucking in the rain on car hoods! Proceed with caution though.... I'm seriously weirded out by Tom Skerritt on full display in the unrated cut. I'll stick to my childhood comforting TV edit thank you.

Katt Shea seems like a genuinely skilled filmmaker. It all looks very nice, and just the opening scene of the sexy/innocent Ivy floating by on a tire swing is enough to prove the woman's talent. And then she did The Rage: Carrie 2, so who really knows...

Give it a look sometime. Late at night, edited for cable.

*Specifically chosen screengrabs to make it look suspiciously more arty and sexy than it actually is.

Life's little discoveries...

I too am disgusted with the pun in the title, but still retain all artistic copyright.

One of my favorite (degraded, but beloved) little people in cinema caused a small revelation for me today.

I looked up Hungarian actor Mihaly 'Michu' Meszaros. I knew him at his best as Hans, the sharply dressed butler in the 80's horror film Waxwork. He bows like no other and greets his guests at the door in a sound byte perfectly ripe for my future ringtone: "WELCOME to the Waxwork!"

I've loved him ever since.


Little did I know that Meszaros is also TV's beloved ALF! It's as if two very sweet worlds collide. Well, he's ALF as long as he's in full-body shot that is. So every time you saw ALF scurry past the sofa in pursuit of a kitten, that was all 2 feet, 8 and 3/4 inches of Michu Meszaros!

"I got some cool pogs: ALF pogs! Remember ALF? He's back... In pog form!"

Life Lessons: The Ice Storm (1997)

Mikey Carver: Molecules. Because of molecules we are connected to the outside world from our bodies. Like when you smell things. Because when you smell a smell, it's not really a smell, it's part of the object that has come off of it: Molecules. So when you smell something bad, it's like in a way you're eating it. This is why you should not really smell things, in the way that you don't eat everything in the world around you. Because as a smell, it gets inside of you. So the next time you go into the bathroom after someone else has been there, remember what kind of molecules you are in fact eating.