Monday, September 12, 2011

Profiles in Greatness: Dr. Lester


"I'm not Dr. Lester. I'm Captain Mertin!

It was ninety years ago that I discovered a strange portal and I found that this portal led me to a vessel body, and that I could live forever by leaping from vessel to vessel... This illustrates how I will move to my next vessel, Malkovich, on his 44th birthday. That's when he becomes ripe."

Age: 102
Business: LesterCorp, Mertin/Flemmer Building, 7 1/2 Floor


  • Floris
"She's not my secretary. She's what they call an 'Executive Liaison.' And I'm not banging her if that's what you're implying."

"Don't toy with Floris, Schwartz. If I was eighty years younger, I'd box your ears!"

  • Jerry's Juicateria on Lex
  • Carrot juice
"Lots of it. I swear sometimes it's not worth it. I piss orange. And I have to piss sitting down, like a goddamn girly girl, every fifteen minutes. But nobody wants to die..."

  • Graphic role play
"Nubile. Blonde. Wet with desire. Me in leather. A harness if you like. And all eyes, Craig, are upon me as I speak. "Ladies," I begin, "I am the love god Eros..." They like that. "I intoxicate you. My spunk is, to you, Manna from Heaven.""


  • Being incomprehensible
"Damn fine woman, Floris. I don't know how she puts up with this speech impediment of mine... I'm afraid I have to trust Floris on that one. You see she's got her doctorate in speech impedimentology from Case Western. I apologize if you can't understand a word I'm saying... That's very kind of you to lie. See I've been very lonely in my isolated tower of indecipherable speech."
  • Being a "link to history"
"I don't want to be your goddamn link, damn ya! I want to feel Floris's naked thighs next to mine. I want my body to inspire lust in that pitiful, complex woman. I want her to shiver with a spasm of ecstasy, Schwartz, as I penetrate her wet--"

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