Sunday, September 18, 2011

Profiles in Greatness: Jerri Blank


"Well... hello. I'm Jerri Blank and... and I'm an alcoholic. I'm also addicted to amphetamines as well as mainline narcotics. Some people say I have a sex addiction, but I think all those years of prostitution was just a means to feed my ravenous hunger for heroin. It's kinda like the chicken or the nugget. The point is I'm addicted to gambling. Thank you. Oh... and uhh... my daddy's in a coma."

Nicknames: Mr. Blank, Fat Goblin, Chunk
Age: 46
Occupation(s): Student, Junkie Whore
Claim to Fame: "Born with a complete set of teeth. Medical marvel."
Education: Freshman, Flat Point High School
IQ: Pisces


  • Her Daddy
  • Crank calls
  • The drug trade ("I smuggled a lotta peppercorns across the straits of Sunda. Rough seas...")
  • Loyalty
"Let me tell you somethin'. I run a pretty tight posse, all right? Now if you wanna be part of the crew, you're gonna have to follow a few simple rules. All right? It's about gettin' caught and not tellin', killin' and not carin', and dyin' without fear. You down for bein' up for that?"

  • Boundaries ("You cross my chow zone again, you're gonna pull back a bloody stump.")
  • The Chow Zone ("I take chorizo and eggs on a flour tortilla. And go easy on the jalapenos. I got a bit of the -PFFT- squirties.")
  • Friendship
"You're like family to me. Well the white one. You darker ones are more like valued family servants."

  • Brason ("Check out the titties on that arm!")
  • Megawatti (see: Megatwatty)
  • Tammi "Tammelas" Littlenut
"Tell you what... Usually I look out for numero me. But I like you... You're sweet. So I just might be willing to take you under my spicy buffalo wing. Huh, butter chop? I'll never slap you around. Less of course you get out of line."

  • Tats
  • Monkeys hitting each other with violins
  • The demon with a hundred eyes

  • Nighttime
"In the slammer some of the best stuff we'd get done would be at night. We'd be mixin' up the Jungle Juice, we'd slap on the old transistor radios... Course we had to make our own batteries cause the bulls kept takin' the real ones. You could drop a couple D-cell batteries into a pillowcase and use it to shatter a Puerto Rican skull. Brittle skulls... Oh, the batteries. So... right. What we would do is we'd take our own poopers , we'd work it into a paste and that would be the alkaloid, right? Then we'd fold in some tinfoil for the cells, and for the acid we'd use our own spit... Battery. "


  • Surrogate Daddy and meat man, Stu
  • "Dick lick" half-brother, Derrick
  • Suprises ("Lets say I'm giving him a rusty trombone and he turns around and he tries to slap a dirty sanchez on me?")
  • Other cultures
"Geez, I thought you peoples had thicker than skins than that. Y'know, fightin' tigers in the jungle and all... Why doesn't anybody like me?"

  • Science fairs ("Nah, I'm thinkin' about pussy. Science fair's for queers.")
  • Science
"Science is so boring. Stupid science. What did science ever do for me? Hey, Bobo, would you hand me the TV clicker and the electric shaver?"

  • Pot
"I shook that monkey off my back a long time ago and I will NOT go down that road again! It led me to a dark place where I was sleepin' in the gutter and cookin' my breakfast up in a teaspoon. By the end I was barely human."

  • Accusations
"I hope you can back up that accusation with something other than a fact!... What are you saying? I sung like a canary? I'm squealer? A stooly? Well people like that are just scum to be scraped off the boot heel -- I did it."
  • Lessons
"I learned a valuable lesson. Tammelas, Megawatti... I'm so sorry for betraying you. For betraying my daddy. I sold you out because I wanted friends that were more attractive and popular than you. But I've changed. Now I know that I shouldn't feel the way I still so strongly do... Team?"

  • Judgement
"Now before you judge me, consider this. You're not so innocent yourself. I'm guessing you've done some pretty horrible things. Like the time you set that boat on fire and watched those Haitians panic. Oh wait... That was me. The point is you're a racist. Think about it. I haven't. Goodnight."

No comments: