Tuesday, March 17, 2009

The 90's Guide to Stealing Lives

I'm not surprised at the recent rise in identity theft. I saw it coming in mid-nineties, when thrillers airing on late-night cable were teaching me how simple it really was... if you were a woman. That and how it's possible to use people for sex and still pocket some cold hard cash.

I figured since everyone's impersonating everyone else and stealing things that don't belong to them, I could exploit this for a post on 3 Easy Steps to Stealing Another Person's Life. Think of it as a checklist.

  1. Respond to ad
  2. Dress and style exactly like Bridget Fonda
  3. Kill everything she loves
  1. Befriend a lonely outcast
  2. Off her mother (make it look like suicide)
  3. Fuck her father for everything he's worth

  1. Avenge dead husband with cushy nanny position
  2. Steal new family's love / Abuse wife's health
  3. Raise new family to resent you
  1. Swim away from abusive OCD husband
  2. Start new life as Iowa librarian
  3. Live in decidedly messy home with gay drama teacher

What these identity theft types don't seem to recall is that three out of four times they end up violently dead. Usually in very ironic fashion, just to make it that much more degrading.

Only Julia Roberts gets away (relatively) clean, but then her case is the sympathetic one with the domestic abuse and all. Plus all she really does is fake a name, which is a simpler method than murder and probably better for sanity.

The lesson seems to be that even a new identity never really changes the person, but sometimes - sometimes - it buys you nicer things.

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