Thursday, October 2, 2008

Laurie and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day

Halloween is remembered as "the night HE came home." It's remembered by Laurie Strode as "the longest fucking day of my life..."

It begins badly when Dad asks Laurie to run his errands: "Don't forget to drop the key off at the Myer's place." Sure it's on her way to school, but apparently he's above saying please. She should have stormed off screaming, "You're not even my real father!" Alas, we're getting ahead of ourselves.

On top of that Laurie's stuck babysitting tonight. Tommy Doyle's a sweet neighborhood boy who, let's be honest, is a bit of a dud. He's either your typical overexcited nine-year-old, or he's painfully neglected by his parents. "Can we make jack o' lanterns? Can we watch the monster movies? Will you read to me? Can we make popcorn?"

Bummer that Halloween's on a school day AND Laurie gets called on in class AND she forgets her chemistry book. Her good pal Lynda has no sympathy, "So who cares? I always forget my chemistry book and my math book, and my English book and my, let's see, my French book and.... Well who needs books anyway? I don't need books. I always forget all of my books! I mean it doesn't really matter if you have your books or not." Totally, Lynda. Totally.

As for pal Annie, Laurie's excitement over babysitting across the street from her is met with grade-A bitchery, "Oh terrific! I've got three choices: watch the kids sleep, listen to Lynda screw around or talk to you." Laurie could just about strangle them!

Then there's all those men who keep staring at Laurie from their station wagons, from behind bushes, from inside her laundry... Also those poorly timed prank phone calls from Annie. Laurie thinks it's Mr. Riddle, her 87-year-old neighbor. As she says, "He can still watch." Ironically it's far worse. That heavy breathing perv is actually her big brother, Mikey, although she doesn't know it yet.

Annie does one nice thing and gets Laurie high before they babysit, which should help to relax her nerves and make Tommy Doyle appear more fun than he actually is. Being stoned certainly won't help with that paranoia though... Especially when Annie stops the car and forces Laurie to interact with her father, the town Sheriff. Later she even pawns off little Lindsay Wallace onto Laurie so that she can get down and dirty with boyfriend Paul. What a bitch! "Totally." Take the reefer and run, Laurie.

Homecoming's also looming on the horizon. Everyone has dates, everyone's getting laid, and yet Laurie has to pick up the slack by babysitting for and acting as host to her fuck-happy friends. Laurie's not a prude, she's just selective. All she really wants is her chance with the crushable Ben Tramer. She's beautiful, smart, caring -- Ben could do a lot worse. If he acted quickly that is... A few hours from now THIS is Ben Tramer:

Everyone's entitled to one good scare, although Laurie gets about a hundred in the span of twenty minutes. She can't turn a corner without finding the corpse of a loved one! Not to mention she takes a painful stab to the arm AND a tumble over a second floor stair rail. She's due for a sit down, but the night's only just begun. There's still lots of running, lots of stabbing, and plenty of Nam-like flashbacks headed her way.

Reunited and it feels so good. "Was that the boogeyman?" No, silly, that's your brother! You're actually Laurie Myers. You wouldn't know that because the documents were sealed by the court after Michael murdered big sis Judith and you were then adopted by the Strodes. Laurie's one glimmering moment of the day is undercut by the fact that her new brother is actually a sociopath and unstoppable killing machine. Still, with the glass half full, it's cool to know someone in your family is bulletproof.

"...Can you hear me now?"

The American health care system is just awful. One only need look to Haddonfield Memorial Hospital for proof of that. With the dank hallways, drunk doctors and hot tubbing nurses, Laurie can't even get a proper recovery. No wonder there's no other patients! The only person interested in her well being is the kindhearted ambulance driver, Jimmy. He's got Laurie's best interest at heart, grabbing her a Coke and serving as the only person updating her on the mental patient that still wants her dead. Jimmy falls for Laurie instantly. Problem is, he falls a lot.

And there's nothing like being reunited with your long lost brother and blowing him up in the same day. It's all kinds of catharsis.

But then Laurie does take away a few good things from this strenuous, seemingly endless day. There's all the extensive exercise no doubt, but Laurie also realizes she's one hell of a shot! Who needs chemistry books when you have dead on accuracy without even looking.

Finally, Laurie gets to go home and rest. She kindly asks the ambulance driver, "Can't I ride in the front?" He says no. A bitter end to a bitter day.

So what has Laurie learned from all this? First rule of prostitutes and The Babysitter's Club: Get Paid in Advance. You just know Tommy Doyle's parents underpaid, if they paid at all. Babysitting will be the death of her yet!


Anonymous said...

Pax Romano said...

That was brilliant!

I am planning my own Laurie Strode posting in the near future, you sort of beat me to the punch.